Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Dear Month of May . . .

You can officially piss off. I am over you. You and your . . . 

unknown causes of allergic reactions.

anaphylactic shock.

job uncertainty.

medical benefits that suck and apparently go on sabbatical at whim.

finances that can kiss my white butt.

ridiculous schedule of work, school and everything-else-under-the-sun.

numb arms and muscles spasms and neck pain.

strep throat and stomach bugs and food poisoning and acid reflux.

exhaustion.

memorial services.

long days.

short nights.

jr. epi-pens that cost an arm and a leg.

forgotten appointments.

dirty floors.

animals that barf.

weeds that grow. 

lawns that get brown.

weekend getaways that don't get to happen.

broken iPads.

disappointments.

hurt.

heartache.

multiple trips to the pharmacy.

lack of joy.

Yep. You. (May). Can. Piss. Off.

I welcome you, June. You are my new favorite month. Bring it. I need you like I need air! Two more hours and I will breathe deeply. For the first time in a very long time. (31 days, to be precise!)

I am toasting the changing of the month with a lovely champagne cocktail. Strawberries and prosecco. Yes, please and thank you. All wrapped into one (or twenty) delightful bubbly sips of goodness.

Over It . . .

I'm officially over the month of May. I'm ignoring the fact that one more measly day remains.

Sigh. Remind me to put my kids on independent study and go away for the entire month of May next year. It's too much. It may be my actual breaking point. Wimpy of me, I know. AND I know that I complain about it every year. So what can I do differently in  2013? I'm still thinking that a total escape plan is the way to go!

Halle had her last day of preschool today. How is that even possible? Didn't I just have her? How on earth can she be entering Kindergarten in two months?

Dylan only has one more lunch to pack for 7th grade. (Can I get an Amen?) Only 1.5 days left of having a 7th grader. That's almost crazier than Halle going to Kindergarten!

I am supposed to go to Roseville tomorrow. To pick up my replacement iPad. But I can't. I have too much to do. Wouldn't you think, that in this day and age that they could flippin' send it to me? Apparently, they cannot. Don't. Piss. Me. Off. It's still May which means that I'm not stable. Or predictable.

On my agenda for tomorrow? Finishing my packet for work. Finalizing the program for Andy's memorial service and testing all of our A/V stuff for the service. A doctor's appointment to determine what the heck is going on with my shoulder/neck/numbness in my left arm/hand. Refilling all of our prescriptions that are eligible since our insurance coverage ends on Thursday. Oh, did I forget to emtion that little ditty? Just one more bit of May loveliness that was slightly unexpected. Who needs insurance for June and July anyway? (Not us. The family with unknown allergy issues and neck/shoulder spasms and weird viruses and the good-Lord-knows what else.)

Also, after her dandy little stomach virus? Halle has now been running a high fever for the last two afternoons. Like 102 kinda fever. How awesome is that? I'm watching John try to visualize her throat right now. It's not going well. But there my girl is, crying and gagging and telling us that her throat hurts. Sigh.

Did I mention that I was done? I'm really, really (really) done.

Today we met my Dad for an afternoon ice cream treat. He's leaving for two months. He's headed to my sister's (in Sweden) for the summer. Both of my kids are very melancholy. What I would really love to happen? Is for my nephew to come back with him at the end of July. For maybe 10-14 days? Enough time to camp and play and travel and hang? I'm still crossing my fingers that it might actually happen.

Tomorrow I also need to deal with bills and daycare and mowing the front lawn and planning the outdoor movie night we're hosting on Friday and laundry and work and my 20th reunion and ???? I'm determined to get it all done so I can take a breath and start anew on June 1st.

We're getting close, peeps. Very, very close! I may even survive the last day of this damn month! Maybe? Possibly? Please?

Bitchin' and Cryin' . . .

and vomiting. 

Well to be clear, Halle was vomiting and crying (for her Mama), so we headed home first thing this morning. Of course. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with my little while she was so sick. And I was teary and impatient and anxious to get home to her. Kudos to my in-laws, because they were up most of the night with her. Kudos to Dylan who woke up to his sister throwing up all over his bed. 

But if I can be horrifically selfish for one moment? 

All I freakin' wanted was a weekend away. One flippin' weekend.

The 1/2 of the weekend that we did get? Was at a funeral and memorial reception.

And yes, I know that I sound like the biggest bitch in the Western world right now, but seriously? One weekend. Two days. One night.

To top it off? John and I got in an argument on the way home. Why in the heck would we choose to talk about finances on our way home from our interupted weekend away? How dumb are we? (Dumb, apparently.) 

So now I'm pissy. And still a little teary. And I feel cheated. Because now I am home, decontaminating every surface in our home from the vomit-fest that seemingly occurred on every darn surface, and I have house guests. And no food in the fridge. It sucks. And I'm pissy. And sound so spoiled and ridiculous. But I wanted to have a lazy day. And not worry about dinner plans for the family/in-laws. 

Sigh. Rant over. I am over it. I am. Or I will be soon.

Better . . .

Halle-boo is much, much better. Other than the remaining dark rings under her eyes, she is back to her beautiful self. I, of course, have matching dark rings . . . but mine are from lack of sleep. I was a wee bit worried about her last night! Epinephrine is my new favorite thing. Ever. (Well, not really, but I do really, really appreciate it!)

So sister stayed home with me today. I didn't even try to work. Nope. I called in and said I was taking the day off. I answered maybe three emails all day? The rest are going to be there when I get to work tomorrow. Amazing how it waits for us, yes?

Also amazing is the circle of fabulous Moms in my life. My hairdresser is a mom. She didn't even expect me to call in and cancel after seeing Halle's swollen face on Facebook. We agreed that taking sister into the hair salon and exposing her to all sorts of smells and chemicals and whatnot wasn't the best plan for recovery! So instead, I'll rock my roots for another week or so and just go with is. Hats are always in style!

Since work and hair appointments were out of the way, we made a donut run. We played Barbies. I took some pastries by to Renee's. (Who doesn't enjoy a little Tin Roof baked good when you're going through hell, right?) We went by the preschool to say hi to her friends. We spent some time at my Gram's house. We snuck out to lunch with my Auntie. I went to another principal interview. Halle is watching Chipwrecked. God love the Chipmunks AND the Roku!

(Seriously, people . . . I love the Roku. I know that I bought it for John, but the instant gratification factor of downloading movies is pretty darn fabulous. And yes, I realize you don't need a Roku to do this, BUT Amazon Prime + the Roku= a lot of free/cheap movies.)

Dylan is running for student council again. He got his posters done and put them up today. What a cutie! He even let me take a quick picture to put on his fliers, since we didn't have any good photos without his braces. I'd vote for him! 

And with that, John and I are sitting on the patio. I'm blogging. He's grading papers. The dog is at my feet. The kids are content. Ahhhhh. I have a weird little feeling that I'm supposed to be somewhere, but I'm not even going to look at Cozi. Nope. I am totally pushing the "ignore" button tonight.

I think we all deserve it! 

One little aside? Since we had to cancel our book club last night, we missed our Skype session with Kelle Hampton. AND I forgot to email her to tell her. So heck if my phone doesn't ring last night and it's her! I was a little smitten. She was very sweet and totally forgiving. So we get to reschedule another time. That could be tough over the next few weeks, but by golly, we're going to try! If you haven't read it yet? Go buy Bloom. In hardcover. Caress it. Gaze upon the awesome pictures. Curl up and read her honest journey. Trust me, before you're even a couple of chapters in? You'll be smitten too!

Stick a Fork in Me . . .

I'm done. Done, people. Done with a capitol D!

Dylan went back to school this morning. (Amen.) After sleeping through his alarm. 

Halle also went to school this morning. 

I went to work this morning. After sending Halle off to school with John. After dropping off my car at the dealership for service. (And after successfully negotiating a deal to quasi-make-up-for the bad info we received about our Acadia's tow capacity when we bought it. I.E., we were told twice, both times quite clearly, that it had a tow capacity of 4,500 pounds. Sadly, Stella, as I have named her, can only tow 2,000 pounds. Which is much less than our tent trailer.) 

This was John's first Monday with no clinical hours. Amen. Thankfully. And oh, dear, God; we barely made it through this last semester! This was really the highlight of my day. My week! We even ate lunch together!

I worked today. John ran errands. The children do whatever it is that they do at school. ;-)

At 2:40, John dropped me off at Dylan's school to interview one of our principal candidates. At 2:49 I missed a call from Halle's school. At 2:50, I excused myself and listened to the message which stated, "Hi Amy. This isn't an emergency, but please call me ASAP." I tried to call the school and couldn't get through. I then got a second message that said, "Halle seems to be having a reaction of some kind, she has facial swelling, but she's fine. She's not having any difficulty breathing. Please call us, ASAP." Again, I couldn't through to the school. I called John and told him to just go get her. That she was having a reaction of some kid and having facial swelling.

His first statement? "They need to call 911." I told him to try and call and tell them that because I couldn't reach them.

I was sure he was over-reacting. In an experienced ER nurse kinda way. I went back into the interview. And apologized for how distracted I was. I called the school again and they told me that John was there and all was fine. I finished the interview. I completed the evaluation form. I went and collected Dylan from the office. And then we went out to find John. Who was coming to pick us up. When I couldn't find him? I called. I assumed he would say he was in the parking lot or on the other street.

Nope. He was at an emergent care clinic with Halle. And they were injecting her with epinephrine.

So help me, my heart stopped.

I stumbled around for a minute, then found us a ride to the clinic. (Thank you, Margaret!)

When we got there, made our way to the back and opened the door? I gasped. I caught my breath. I choked on a sob. The swollen little face that was looking at me? Was almost unrecognizable. And John's first words were, "you should have seen her before the epi-pen".

Sigh. I just trudged through a 13 day battle with a horrific virus/strep for Dylan. I was gearing up, not for anything amazing, but just to catch up. Catch. Up.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to get my hair done. As petty as it seems? It's kind of important. To my self esteem. To the idea that folks will look at my beautiful hair color versus my need for a tummy-tuck. And lipo. And, well . . . a breast-lift, if anyone is counting. 

So tomorrow? I will get my hairs did. With Halle by my side. Probably watching the Fresh Beat Band on my iPad. After a night of waking every hour or more often to check for facial edema (or swelling, for us laymen) and respiratory distress.

Really, who needs a decent night's sleep, anyway?

This is my girl AFTER the epinephrine. I'm pretty sure it was a good thing (or a God thing) that I didn't see her before. 

It's Friday, Friday . . .

I am clinging to the idea that the weekend will bring health and happiness to our abode!

Poor Dylan. That should really be the title of this blog post. That boy has been sicker than a dog for . . . let's count them . . . 12 days! TWELVE DAYS! We met with the ENT on Monday, who said that false negative occurs often with a rapid strep test. Since I had started him on a Z-pack that morning, the doctor said to continue with it. On Wednesday, we switched antibiotics. Yesterday? We took him in for a Mono spot test. All that being said? I think . . . crossing my fingers and holding my breath . . . that he was feeling a wee bit better last night. He ate two whole meals yesterday. And that's more than he's eaten for a week! He looks a little better, although he still has weird facial swelling and odd rashes. I am so hopeful that this was just a horrific case of strep and that the second antibiotic is actually covering it. So hopeful. And prayerful. We'll know soon enough, I guess.

Halle-boo hasn't been sick, but man . . . she's been something! Yesterday, she lost her ever-loving mind at the conclusion of an otherwise lovely playdate. It wasn't pretty. Nor fun. She is also still freaking out about sleeping in her room. Which last night? Resulted in me sleeping most of the night with her. On her twin bed. Awesome.

John is fighting either some monster allergies or is getting sick. Plus, let's be frank, he's a man. (Sorry, honey.) But the good news is, the semester from hell is over! Whooohoooo! He is officially 2/3 of the way done with his Masters/FNP program which means that at this time next year? We will be having a serious party.

Other than my bout with food poisening the other night? (No more Chipotle for me, FYI.) I am doing dandy! My final budget was unanimously approved by my budget committee, so it's onto the public hearing, early in June. The other, periferal crap going on is still going on, but I am either getting used to it or just getting better at not taking it too personally. As they say, the truth will set you free!

We're having our family over tomorrow night for a Mother's Day dinner. I still haven't put together a menu. My Mom is bringing a fruit salad and my Gram is bringing a pasta salad. I ordered some lemon cupcakes from Denine and will make some cookie bars. Definitely a big yummy green salad. Maybe Ranch Potatoes in the crockpot? As for the entree? I'm thinking that we'll BBQ chicken and steak, but that would require John to clean up the BBQ. Hmmm. One more thing for his list, I guess! 

** Doctor just called and the results are in . . . negative for Mono!  Whoohooooo! (Who would have thought I'd be so excited for a horrible case of strep?)

With that . . . must clean house. Must do laundry. Must water plants. Must run errands. May take shower. Should wash car. 

10 More Gifts . . .

21. Mason jars. And especially, fruity drinks served in Mason jars!

22. The truth. Especially when it seems like lies are winning.

23. A dance party when you could choose to curl up and cry. 

24. Good television to plug your preschooler into when you just have  nothing left to give.

25. A husband who comes home, only to leave again. But whom you are assured will come home again. Sooner or later.

26. Someone to rub your back, even when you're being crabby and don't deserve it.

27. A weekend. Scheduled months ago. Complete with daycare (Poppi and GB) and no plans. It's coming. Soon.

28. Antibiotics. For a reasonable and affordable $10 co-pay. For the boy that isn't getting better with time.

29. Monday. Which is usually a bad word, but in this case? Equals preschool. Amen.

30. Funny text messages from loved ones. Just at the right time!

Re-cap(ish) . . .

Lots going on around here. Some good. Some bad. Some down-right sucky. But I can't talk about the down-right sucky on here. Seriously. So we're moving on . . . 

John just got back from his drill weekend. He drove down from Sacramento on Thursday night. He flew on Friday morning. He drove back to Sacramento on Friday afternoon. His uncle passed away a couple of hours after he got there. (So glad he was able to be there.) RIP, Uncle Gary. Then John turned around and drove back to the base late that night. I think he got in at 1:30 in the morning. And now he's home. Finally. It's been one hell of a week for him. He has his last exam of the semester (as a student) on Tuesday and then I think (I hope), that it will get easier for him. At least for now. Hopefully.

Dylan is still sick. If you're counting? It's now been a week. It's not strep throat. It's probably still viral. But I have a Z-pack that I am so ready to start him on. His sinuses are beyond inflamed. His fevers have finally subsided, but he still feels like crap. He looks like someone beat him up every day when he gets up. Poor guy. But all that being said, he needs to get better. ASAP. He needs to get back to school. Crossing my fingers for possibly Tuesday?

Halle is bit of a mess too. She's having some serious allergy symptoms. And some serious clinginess. She's decided that she's scared to be in her room alone. It's good times, peeps. Really, really good times! As we speak, her mattress is laying on our bedroom floor. This is not a good omen.

And yes, please remember that I'm not even talking about the down-right sucky ugliness. What a relief, huh?

But, and here's the big but (aside from my posterior); allergies and viruses and crazy schedules aside? And yes, even the unmentionable down-right sucky ugliness aside? We're all ok. Dylan has a nasty bug, not cancer. Halle has allergies, not cancer. John's schedule is nuts, but he doesn't have cancer. I'm possibly going nuts, but I don't have cancer. Do you sense a theme here?

On Wednesday, I will be meeting with a friend, her husband and their families. To help plan her husband's memorial service. He is dying from, you guessed it, fucking cancer. (Pardon my french, but if anything is ever deserving of the f-word, it's cancer.) They have two young boys. He was diagnosed a year ago. Up until this last week, they fought the disease with ever possible combination of chemo and regimes possible. They've been told that he doesn't have long.

When I dropped dinner off at their house last week, I came home and sat in my driveway and cried for ten minutes. Sobbed, actually. I've watched their oldest son get quieter over the last year. I've watched their youngest son lose some of his over-the-top exuberance. I've watched their mom, my friend, spiral through the entire range of emotions as she fights for her family. So, I am bringing what I can. Which is so very little. But, when push comes to shove? I'm a planner. A wedding-party-memorial service planner. I am very versatile, indeed! But there is nothing that means more to me than planning a memorial service with/for a friend or family member. I feel as if I'm using my God-given talents in a way that is meaningful. And useful. Even when it is so very hard.

Other than all that delightfulness? Today I cleaned the house, washed sheets, did various other loads of laundry, mowed both lawns, picked up Barbies, grocery shopped, administered medications, read the paper, bought a dress online from Anthropologie and worked on some schedule stuff for this upcoming week. Yesterday I talked to my sister in Sweden, showered (!!), downloaded two seasons of Horseland for Halle, looked on VRBO for a Kauai house to rent over Christmas (ha!), laid on the hammock, trimmed some shrubs, infused some vodka, went out to Sol for Cinco de Mayo (and to hear a friend's band play) made s'mores and had an impromptu dance party (complete with limbo! with the kiddos upon my return. We also did some "Ding Dong" doorbell ditching. A box of Hostess Ding Dongs, with a nice note, left on a doorstep before we (Dylan) hit the doorbell and ran. Hilarious fun.

(And Halle played "Wendy" of Peter Pan fame, which was really just being tied up to the pergola with a jump rope. Who knows about that one!)

What I didn't do this weekend? Was make the D.C./New York photobook like I had planned. Oops. Must. Prioritize. Soon. I also didn't do my Friday Phone Dump. Again. Nor did I wash my car. Didn't make it to church. I also didn't find a place for us to stay in San Francisco next month. Or more specifically, someplace to stay for less than $350 a night. But it's all about balance, baby. 

Dance parties amidst the cancer. Desire for tropical escape amidst the b.s. Cuddles with my girl, even as she climbs into our bed from her bed, two feet away. A quick kiss for my hubby before he starts prepping for his exam. A good talk with Dylan about random things between his coughing and grasping his throat. Moments of clarity among the confusion.

Balance and wholeness. 

OK, Let's Just Skip to June Already . . .

And yes, I know . . . it's not even officially May yet! 

Every. Single. Year. I. Feel. Like. This.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm under-functioning. I'm melancholy. I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm hating work. I'm overwhelmed.

Did I mention that I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Anyway . . . 

I don't know what to do about daycare this summer. We currently have Halle signed up for preschool on Tuesday and Wednesday. But preschool starts at 8:45. Sharp. Let's be honest . . . that's hard for me to make during the winter, let alone during the summer! But last summer, I hired Dylan to watch his sister. Um, yeah. That didn't work. At all. So I'm confused. Unsure. Stressed. And bejiggetty. 

Kindergarten is also stressing me out. Of course, Halle is going to Dylan's school. Of course she is. But it hasn't stopped me from touring our neighborhood Kindergarten program and looking at our two local private school programs.

Neither of my kids feel particularly well. Allergies? Or a virus? Hard to say at this point. But I'm ready to fast-forward over that too!

Work. Ugh. Work. can't say more than that, but really . . . work . . . ugh! 

Politics. Both those that I work with (thus the aforementioned ugh) and the local political plays that are plaguing us. Like our closest fire station being closed until July 1. Pending funding. Political ridiculousness at it's worst.

Money. I am ready to win the lottery. Just saying. (And no . . . I don't play it, so my chances are pretty much zip!)

My husband. God-love him. I'm super worried about him. He's three weeks from finishing his hardest semester for his Master's program. And he's hanging by the thinnest of threads to have enough clinical hours. He missed eight clinical hours today to spend time with his Uncle. Which is so important. But I'm worried about him. So stinkin' worried.

Laundry. Dishes. Bills. Dirty floors. A dog that keeps hacking and coughing like there is something wrong with him (=$$$$ at the vet). No vacation plans for the summer. A daughter who is terrified of her pending dentist appointment. Family that is close but not a part of our daily support system. Or even weekly (or monthly) for that matter. A lot of crap.

It's a lot of real life stuff, I guess. Real life. It's good. Really. 

Just overwhelming at this exact moment.

Did I mention that I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Under the Influence . . .

I am. 

And yes, that's an odd statement for a random Thursday evening.

But I have a horrific headache. It's been brewing since Monday. And it made itself very known by this evening. I couldn't ignore it anymore. I tried ibuprofen. I tried Tylenol. I sat in the hot tub. I tried heat. I tried cold. I took a Fioracet, which normally does the trick and turns the tide. 

Alas, nothing helped. So I finally took two pain pills. Then John came home and added some Phernergan to the mix. And finally, I am feeling the tight grip begin to loosen. Thankfully,

I am, however, a total lightweight. Thus the buzzed blogging. So some random bits, in order to post about something other than my whining and complaining . . . 

1. Dylan is packed and ready for his D.C. trip. (Other than his toiletries.) With more than 24 hours to go before his departure. I am very impressed with myself. Very, very impressed.

2. Over the course of packing for Dylan's trip? I was reminded that I have serious issues with control and a strong family history that leaves me predisposed towards OCD. Just saying. 

3. When feeling out-of-control? It feels really, really good to label stuff.

4. If you are a parent and going on this trip? Please remove any remaining labels that my son may forget to remove from his clothing . . . i.e., "Wednesday Night Shirt" or any other silly little label that may be remaining on him or his random parts.

5. I do realize how ridiculous I am. Truly, I do.

6. Today I had lunch with my amazing friend Robyn. We went to the Tea Bar. And it was super-yummy. Lean bits of steak, lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, avocado, brown rice and creamy teryaki. Super-delish!

7. Halle wore her "fast-running-shoes" to school today so that she could catch a boy and in her words? Teach him a lesson about how to be nice. Yikes. I tried to explain that you shouldn't be forcible in your attempts to help others be nice, but my thoughts fell on deaf ears. 

8. Our pets are not on my favorite list right now. Brody has some serious and foul stomach issues. And the cat? He just irritates me. Of all the kitty toys that are around this house? He prefers to play with Halle's markers. Thankfully, they are washable. It is still irritating, nonetheless.

9. When someone says something about you that isn't true. It's hard. It's hurtful. It's very difficult to ignore it. To turn the other cheek, if you will. I'm trying to do that. And it is taking everything in me to fight the urge to refute the lie(s) and defend myself. 

10. My eyes are crossing. It's gonna get ugly if I don't give in and go to sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep! (Good night.)