Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Bitchin' and Cryin' . . .

and vomiting. 

Well to be clear, Halle was vomiting and crying (for her Mama), so we headed home first thing this morning. Of course. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with my little while she was so sick. And I was teary and impatient and anxious to get home to her. Kudos to my in-laws, because they were up most of the night with her. Kudos to Dylan who woke up to his sister throwing up all over his bed. 

But if I can be horrifically selfish for one moment? 

All I freakin' wanted was a weekend away. One flippin' weekend.

The 1/2 of the weekend that we did get? Was at a funeral and memorial reception.

And yes, I know that I sound like the biggest bitch in the Western world right now, but seriously? One weekend. Two days. One night.

To top it off? John and I got in an argument on the way home. Why in the heck would we choose to talk about finances on our way home from our interupted weekend away? How dumb are we? (Dumb, apparently.) 

So now I'm pissy. And still a little teary. And I feel cheated. Because now I am home, decontaminating every surface in our home from the vomit-fest that seemingly occurred on every darn surface, and I have house guests. And no food in the fridge. It sucks. And I'm pissy. And sound so spoiled and ridiculous. But I wanted to have a lazy day. And not worry about dinner plans for the family/in-laws. 

Sigh. Rant over. I am over it. I am. Or I will be soon.

A Non-Distracted Life . . .

How do we do this? How, in the midst of the constant realm of electronic (and immediate) media, do we choose to be intentional with our actual lives? Versus the most recently updated Facebook status, Twitter streams and DVR'd latest episodes of the most popular TV shows?

I don't have an answer, but I'm trying to make my way.

I'm realizing the moments that make up our day . . . the days that make up our lives? They are the ones that matter. They create the sum total. 

My sum total? I want . . . no, I need to equal family + friends + community + service + God + faith + good + honorable + generous.

The word problem and final equation of me should be, no must be . . .

AMY = FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

Yes, Facebook and Twitter and my iPhone and my iPad and my iMac and my blog and my DVR and my email and my text messages and my busyness  and my Photoshop. . . they all play a part in that equation.

BUT . . . they don't play the central role.

The central role is relationship. I can't focus on relationship (with my spouse, my children, my friends, my community), if I'm constantly listening for my phone to "ping" or for my email to "ding". Sometimes that Ding or Ping helps create a  bridge to community, children, friends, spouse . . . but a lot of times (most of the time?) it destroys that bridge.

Today I met with a dear friend and talked about the details of the service to honor and remember her husband. The father of her children.

Today I took Halle out to the "big backyard" and pushed her on the swing for 20 minutes.

Today I took Dylan to Target and rode the cart like a scooter and held his hand and skiped through the aisles and talked about STDs. (It's Sex Ed week at school!)

Today I was so proud of Halle as she conquered her fear of the dentist and got X-Rays and fluoride and an exam with minimal tears.

Today I basically decided that the pediatrician could piss off (she determined that allergy testing wasn't important and that we might never know what caused Halle's severe reaction on Monday).

Today I was relived that we already have an appointment with the allergist.

Today I Photoshopped a photo to include with an obituary.

Today I decided that along with annual exams? The doctor should require a simple (yet high resolution)  head shot. Photoshopping the ferry background out of an obituary photo will make you consider such policies!

Today I promised my daughter that I would read her two books a day. No excuses.

Today I cracked up (outloud) at Modern Family.

Today I made plans (via text) to spend a day with Halle's Godmother.

All of these meanderings lead me to what's at the center.

FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

I'm focusing. How can technology help me work towards the center? How can it distract me from my dream? Ironicaly? It all comes back to my "One Word" words . . . BALANCE and WHOLENESS. Bring it.

Although. let's be clear, Balance and Wholeness aside . . . I'm damn good at creating  an obituary photo from a snapshot taken on the ferry. If necessary.

Nightmares . . .

I claim to be a very faithful woman. And I am. Really. I believe wholeheartedly in God, Jesus, salvation, grace . . . the whole deal!

But (and this is a big but) . . . 

I struggle with fear and anxiety. Enough that I am fairly reliant on an anti-anxiety medication to get good sleep. (And to fly, but that's a whole other post!)

Specifically, I struggle with the fear of (a) losing one of my children, (b) losing my husband, or (c) dying before my children are grown and seemingly beyond needing me. A lot of my fears tend to be in regard to cars and traveling. It's totally a loss of control kinda thing. I am totally willing to admit this. (For example, as much as I want to stay home and recuperate next weekend instead of travel to Reno? I am aftraid that if I don't go, that John and the kids will be in an accident. Yes. I really am that jacked up.)

I struggle with balancing this fear with my faith. Enough that when I am truly honest in my prayers? I beg God to not challenge my faith by making one of these things happen. Which is incredibly odd given that I believe in a God who represents grace, mercy, kindness and love. Not vengeance. Yet the fact that bad/scary/hurtful/hard things happen often, seemingly keeps this fear alive and well in me.

Yesterday, a friend from junior high and high school was killed in an early-morning car accident. Kelly was a mom and wife. She leaves behind a son and daughter . . . a husband . . . an extended family . . . and an entire community. She was one of those people who laughs the loudest. Someone who finds the joy in the everyday. Someone who took risks and lived. Someone who made mistakes along the way (like all of us) but who lived fully. Someone who loved and laughed and who was loved in return.

And just like that, on an icy road, early in the morning . . . she is gone.

It's my nightmare come true for her family.

And I am sad. I am anxious. I am tired. 

I made the stupid error of not taking my meds last night. (Lame.) I slept until 3:00 this morning, when I awoke to a very scary nightmare and that was it. I was up. John had to drive to Travis AF Base at 5:00 this morning. I spent those two hours clinging to him and begging him (silently while he was asleep . . . audibly once he woke up,) to be careful and to watch out for fog and to so-help-me-God ignore his phone and concentrate on driving safely.

Fear overtook me. And I hate that. It feels like such an overwhelming weakness. I feel like my faith isn't strong enough. I feel like I should be stronger than that. Better than that. But I'm not. And that's just me being 100% (possibly 150%) honest.

Needless to say, John made it to the base safely. Thankfully.

I'm just really, really sad for Kelly's family. What a sad and senseless loss. Please keep them in your prayers. The idea of her children growing up without their Mama is beyond sad and senseless. 

Kelly is in the middle of the back row, turned and talking (laughing) to the person beside of her. Typical. Too busy laughing to stop, even for the camera. I have a ton of photos of she and I, but this is the only one that I easily found on my external hard drive. Guess I need to add a few more photos to the pike of "to-be-scanned".  I really wish it wasn't for such a sad reason.

Some Days . . .

you wake up, knowing that it's going to be a fight. Heck, I knew that today was going to be a fight a few weeks ago! 

But, given what some of my friends are walking through (stupid cancer!), I am choosing to take a step back from the drama and ill-mannered folks that sometimes pass through my life. This is nothing compared to cancer. It's just a difficult situation with people who are acting in a difficult manner. Instead of reacting defensively, I'm not going to react at all. In fact, I'm going to neutral. And praying. (A lot.)

I'm praying that the people who hired me, will do their job. I'm praying that I will feel protected and empowered. I'm asking that I not feel thrown under the bus.

We'll see. But I have a 1.5 hour drive to pray. So I'm going in faith. My devotional verses today were:

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7 and "Splendor and majesty are before him, strength and glory are in his sanctuary." Psalm 96:6

Bring it!

That's our church. Taken from the patio of one of our favorite bars. Amen to Sunday lunches! I may have to end this day there too :)

Hiding ...

In my own backyard.

My husband woke up very frustrated with the kitten and irritated with the morning in general. But we don't have time for that. Not today.

Because it is birthday party go time! Costumes are all arranged. Snacks are purchased. Cake is ready to be picked up at 3:00. Between now and then? Operation hang some lights and hanging lanterns. And banners. Also possibly finishing a rag banner that is a much bigger undertaking than I would have imagined. Whoops.

For the moment, however, I have asked for no one to interrupt me for a moment. (Although the adults in the house have ignored that request, FYI. Not the children.)

Instead of looking at all the work to be done? And yes, there is a lot. As evidenced by the piles of purple and gold that are still in piles around the house:

But seriously, I am instead focusing on how much fun we are going to have today. (Sponsored by Lexapro!) We are going to rock the Tangled/medieval/royalty theme! Seriously, unbelievable costumes are going to make this amaze balls. Amaze! Balls!

Rambling . . .

First off, my niece Sydney is in the OR right now, having fluid removed from her chest cavity and lungs. I am feeling really far away (she is in Sacramento). I had offered to go down tonight and hang with her sisters, which ultimately, John's Dad and Stepmom did; but I am feeling really useless. So I am praying a lot.

I am tired, but trying to not complain. I realize that my jet-lag/whacked sleep schedule is a result of my wonderful tropical vacation. I cannot get to sleep before midnight or 1 am. (9 or 10 pm Hawaiian time.) Which kinda sucks when (a) we are no longer in that time zone and (b) it's pouring down rain, cold and nothing like Hawaii here at the moment; and (c) I have to get up at 5:30 am to leave for work in the mornings. But anyway . . . 

I am back to my pre-Hawaii weight. Which was really hard to get to prior to my trip. I was a little whacked about getting back to it. Now that I am there, another 10 pounds to go between now and June 1st. (Yes, you've all heard my arbitrary weight goals before. This is the closest I've been. Easter candy aside.)

Jackass. The movie. I rented it and watched it with Dylan, even though it was unrated. So, so , SO very wrong. But watching him laugh and fall over? Totally worth it! (Although I did skip through a few sections. Very important to note!)

Tahoe. We are supposed to go up there next weekend. Assuming that the highway (80) is open. Dylan's snow clothes are huge on him. So I had to  buy smaller powder pants. Even though I probably gave away this exact size a couple of years ago. So in the last month? I have had to buy him (smaller) swim/summer clothes AND snow clothes. Awesome. I am so glad that I give away things/pass them on too soon! (Don't ask me if Halle's snow boots actually fit her. I am going to assume that they do. And then just shove her feet into them. So help me.) The flu took about 8 pounds off of my already slim son. Praying for wellness and a milkshake or two along the way for him.

My house? A wreck! Dishes, laundry, general crap . . . oh my! I need to pull it together and catch up!

Mac movie . . . I hired an 11 year-old to make a memorial video that I should have had done months ago. Photos are scanned. Video is input. Music is chosen. The family member in question? (John's stepmom's son), is back in hospice care. And I don't feel confident that I can whip this thing together in a timely manner. But an acquaintance's son knows the program . . . I haven't negotiated price yet, but I'm oh-so-certain that it will be well worth it!

Tomorrow I have two doctor's appointments. The first is with my GYN. To review my care/peri-menopausal plan and subsequent hormone levels. My bet? That my estrogen is "high", or at least higher than I am used to (non-existent). My gamble is a 280-310 range, versus my (normal) below 50 that I've become used to in the last three years. (Below 50, by the way, equals the typical range for a male.) I am guessing this because of several factors, not the least of which are some really (TMI!) tender boobs. So we'll see. :)

The second appointment? In quasi-relation to those tender boobs? Is a bilateral breast ultrasound with a breast specialist. This was the recommendation following my baseline mammogram. Then I have a secondary mammogram next week as well. I am still banking on the idea that I have lumpy, bumpy (but non-malignant) boobs, nothing more.

Lastly, I am clearly handling things well/better/more even-keeled because of my Lexapro. Otherwise known as what has kept me sane and healthy since December 21st. I am 100% certain that pharmaceuticals are/can be utilized to keep us all heathier/happier/more balanced. Which is clearly the case with me and my doctor's recommendation to utilize a mood stabilizer to well; um, stabilize me. Amen and amen. More on that later.

But just know that without it? Things like packing/prepping/scheduling/relationships/breast ultrasounds are much, much harder for me. And I am all about surviving/bettering/enjoying the process. And if Lexapro helps make that a better journey for me?  Amen.