Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Endings . . .

What a way to begin, right?

But it seems as if we’re in a season of endings. Some of those finales are very positive. The end of the school year . . . amen. Then the other endings . . . the loss of Andy . . . the memorial service for John’s uncle . . . those endings are emotional and difficult.

I told Renee the other day that she should take comfort in how many difficult conversations have been held between husbands and wives over the last few weeks. John and I, included. Talks about life insurance, funeral plans, finances, music . . . you name it, we’ve talked about it!

As a small little aside? Get your pictures taken. Individually. Make sure that every few years there is one high-resolution photo of you. Just you. This is after another afternoon of cropping people out of poor-resolution photos and ignoring low-quality warnings from the printer. Sigh. But we have the photos of John’s uncle in-hand. And they will do. Just barely.

John and I are currently headed down to Sacramento for his Uncle’s memorial. The kids are home with my in-laws. After the service/reception back at his Aunt’s home? My husband and I have 24+ hours alone. Alone! It’s a ridiculous case of house-swapping . . . John’s dad and stepmom headed up to the Tahoe cabin. John’s mom and stepdad came to our house. Instead of a hotel? John and I are staying at his dad’s house! The location can’t be beat . . . beautiful pool . . . great views . . . and the price was right, for sure!

We’re going to head to Anthropologie to return my lumpy, bumpy, oddly-fitting dress. We have an appointment at the Apple store, where I am praying they will simply replace my iPad. My poor sad iPad that I dropped on the tile floor. Ouch! We are maybe going to dinner at Tahoe Joe’s, where I have never eaten, but my husband says has some yummy eats. We are probably going to rent a movie. We are going to relax. Tomorrow, we are going to get up whenever we feel like it. Maybe we’ll head out to brunch. IKEA? Time by the pool? A bookstore? Or maybe a couple of open houses? Oh . . .the opportunities are endless! 

(Although a little sad and telling of our age, isn't it? We get 24 hours alone and there is no partying, gambling, concerts, comedy shows, etc . . . nope, we're headed up to stay at Sun City and thrilled as could be about it!)

And with that, we begin with an ending, then get a moment (or 24 hours!) of new beginnings. 

Stick a Fork in Me . . .

I'm done. Done, people. Done with a capitol D!

Dylan went back to school this morning. (Amen.) After sleeping through his alarm. 

Halle also went to school this morning. 

I went to work this morning. After sending Halle off to school with John. After dropping off my car at the dealership for service. (And after successfully negotiating a deal to quasi-make-up-for the bad info we received about our Acadia's tow capacity when we bought it. I.E., we were told twice, both times quite clearly, that it had a tow capacity of 4,500 pounds. Sadly, Stella, as I have named her, can only tow 2,000 pounds. Which is much less than our tent trailer.) 

This was John's first Monday with no clinical hours. Amen. Thankfully. And oh, dear, God; we barely made it through this last semester! This was really the highlight of my day. My week! We even ate lunch together!

I worked today. John ran errands. The children do whatever it is that they do at school. ;-)

At 2:40, John dropped me off at Dylan's school to interview one of our principal candidates. At 2:49 I missed a call from Halle's school. At 2:50, I excused myself and listened to the message which stated, "Hi Amy. This isn't an emergency, but please call me ASAP." I tried to call the school and couldn't get through. I then got a second message that said, "Halle seems to be having a reaction of some kind, she has facial swelling, but she's fine. She's not having any difficulty breathing. Please call us, ASAP." Again, I couldn't through to the school. I called John and told him to just go get her. That she was having a reaction of some kid and having facial swelling.

His first statement? "They need to call 911." I told him to try and call and tell them that because I couldn't reach them.

I was sure he was over-reacting. In an experienced ER nurse kinda way. I went back into the interview. And apologized for how distracted I was. I called the school again and they told me that John was there and all was fine. I finished the interview. I completed the evaluation form. I went and collected Dylan from the office. And then we went out to find John. Who was coming to pick us up. When I couldn't find him? I called. I assumed he would say he was in the parking lot or on the other street.

Nope. He was at an emergent care clinic with Halle. And they were injecting her with epinephrine.

So help me, my heart stopped.

I stumbled around for a minute, then found us a ride to the clinic. (Thank you, Margaret!)

When we got there, made our way to the back and opened the door? I gasped. I caught my breath. I choked on a sob. The swollen little face that was looking at me? Was almost unrecognizable. And John's first words were, "you should have seen her before the epi-pen".

Sigh. I just trudged through a 13 day battle with a horrific virus/strep for Dylan. I was gearing up, not for anything amazing, but just to catch up. Catch. Up.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to get my hair done. As petty as it seems? It's kind of important. To my self esteem. To the idea that folks will look at my beautiful hair color versus my need for a tummy-tuck. And lipo. And, well . . . a breast-lift, if anyone is counting. 

So tomorrow? I will get my hairs did. With Halle by my side. Probably watching the Fresh Beat Band on my iPad. After a night of waking every hour or more often to check for facial edema (or swelling, for us laymen) and respiratory distress.

Really, who needs a decent night's sleep, anyway?

This is my girl AFTER the epinephrine. I'm pretty sure it was a good thing (or a God thing) that I didn't see her before. 

OK, Let's Just Skip to June Already . . .

And yes, I know . . . it's not even officially May yet! 

Every. Single. Year. I. Feel. Like. This.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm under-functioning. I'm melancholy. I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm hating work. I'm overwhelmed.

Did I mention that I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Anyway . . . 

I don't know what to do about daycare this summer. We currently have Halle signed up for preschool on Tuesday and Wednesday. But preschool starts at 8:45. Sharp. Let's be honest . . . that's hard for me to make during the winter, let alone during the summer! But last summer, I hired Dylan to watch his sister. Um, yeah. That didn't work. At all. So I'm confused. Unsure. Stressed. And bejiggetty. 

Kindergarten is also stressing me out. Of course, Halle is going to Dylan's school. Of course she is. But it hasn't stopped me from touring our neighborhood Kindergarten program and looking at our two local private school programs.

Neither of my kids feel particularly well. Allergies? Or a virus? Hard to say at this point. But I'm ready to fast-forward over that too!

Work. Ugh. Work. can't say more than that, but really . . . work . . . ugh! 

Politics. Both those that I work with (thus the aforementioned ugh) and the local political plays that are plaguing us. Like our closest fire station being closed until July 1. Pending funding. Political ridiculousness at it's worst.

Money. I am ready to win the lottery. Just saying. (And no . . . I don't play it, so my chances are pretty much zip!)

My husband. God-love him. I'm super worried about him. He's three weeks from finishing his hardest semester for his Master's program. And he's hanging by the thinnest of threads to have enough clinical hours. He missed eight clinical hours today to spend time with his Uncle. Which is so important. But I'm worried about him. So stinkin' worried.

Laundry. Dishes. Bills. Dirty floors. A dog that keeps hacking and coughing like there is something wrong with him (=$$$$ at the vet). No vacation plans for the summer. A daughter who is terrified of her pending dentist appointment. Family that is close but not a part of our daily support system. Or even weekly (or monthly) for that matter. A lot of crap.

It's a lot of real life stuff, I guess. Real life. It's good. Really. 

Just overwhelming at this exact moment.

Did I mention that I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Sitting Outside . . .

and loving it. Yesterday and today have been lovely weather. I spent time in the yard planting a few things and have been sneaking out at every chance I get to just sit and enjoy it.

I am really, really beginning to enjoy our yard. No, it's still not done. And I would really like Halle's play area to get finished while she's still little enough to enjoy it! I'm also dreaming about some type of canvas structure. (John thinks I'm nutters!) But we've been coming out and laying in the hammock a few times a week after the kids are in bed and it's pretty darn dreamy. I keep thinking that if we had a comfy futon or better yet, my pallet-constructed u-shaped sofa/convertible bed, under a platform tent, we'd sleep out here several times a week! Plus the kids would love it. I'm sure there's got to be a way to get John on-board with the idea!

We had a dinner event at a friend's last night that was utterly delightful. It was an Italian dinner that we had bought at a school auction a couple of year's ago. Sadly, one of the couples that bought it with us wasn't able to make it. So with an hour to go, we found a neighbor couple who was able to join us. The food was beyond compare . . . both in quality and quantity. We had a bacon-wrapped scallop that was to die for. Then a pesto lasagna and a nutty risotto that almost had me licking my plate! I took some sangria over, but I tried to decrease it's potency a bit. It wasn't nearly as good as last weekend's batch. Back to the potent version, I guess! 

I also edited a senior portrait session. I ended up with 73 edited images. That's kind of ridiculous. Especially when I'm just trading for babysitting! But I am hoping that Mindy and her parents will be happy with what I gave them. The girl is gorgeous and fun and a true delight. Hoping that her pictures represent how amazing she is.

As for my hubby, he is headed down to Sacramento (again) tonight. His Uncle is not doing well at all. John wants to give his Aunt a good night's sleep and be able to have one last coherent conversation with his Uncle. To be able to say all that needs to be said. My heart is breaking for him right now. His Uncle has been a huge influence in his life. A father-figure when he needed it most. John is grieving, even now. I'm so sad for him and it's so difficult to watch him walk through this. I can't take away his hurt and it's hurts me to watch him mourn and struggle and grieve. He wants to save his Uncle - who is refusing treatment and choosing to go now versus fight for a while longer. It's very hard to watch. 

So all that said? The weekend is soon to be over. I'm not prepared (mentally) for the week. The stresses of our lives are pressing in. And so I sit. Ignoring the laundry. Ignoring the chores. And I look at the flowers that are blooming in our yard. I color with Halle. I pet the dog.

And I drink a mason jar full of watered-down sangria.

Cheers to the coming week. Please be kind(er) to us.

One Thousand Gifts . . .

is a book that I am currently reading devouring. I have already cried ten times and I'm just a couple of chapters in it. The tag line is "A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are" and it's a challenge that I'm wanting to take right now. I am actually desperately wanting to embrace fully. I want more. I want to feel more, accept more, give more, BE more. 

Sappy, yes? But true!

Anyway . . . 

Dylan made it safely to D.C. He has texted a couple of pictures along the way. It sounds like he's having a blast. Hopefully, he is sleeping and catching up a bit. Between the 2:00 am departure and Daylight Savings Time change? I'm just hoping that he gets enough rest . . . I know . . . what a Mom thing to say!

Halle had a playdate. (Yeah!) John worked on an exam. I dealt with a mound of paperwork. And cleaned most of the house. I considered mowing the lawn. Consideration was as far as I got.

John and I did end the night with an easy dinner date at the Pour House. We wanted to see a movie (Wanderlust), but it only had weird show times. 4:55 and 9:45? Really? So we just enjoyed dinner on the patio. just next to a heater. It was windy. Drinks, salads, entrees and dessert. Done! We came home and jumped in the hot tub with Halle and that was that. Saturday.

John and I have clicked through five different movies on Amazon Prime and have now given up. Being that I didn't go back to bed until 5:30 this morning? I should be asleep. Going . . . 

Husbandly Duties . . .

Thank you, honey for giving me my shots and always taking care of me. You do such a great job of jabbing me with that needle. I wouldn't want anyone else to jab me in the butt every couple of weeks. Gee, that sounds bad, doesn't it?

For hanging my crap on the walls (the right way, versus how I would do it . . . trial and error and 4,000 holes later).

For listening to me bitch about everything. Most recently, bitching about my itching. Damn Poison Oak.

For not being super-mad that I had the backyard partially landscaped while you were gone. Especially for that one! I thought I was a goner!

And even though it drives me crazy, more often than not; and although I'd rather have you here with us rather than there; thank you for your faithful service to our country. Your commitment to the Air Force is something that is so very honorable. And I'm sorry that I complain about it more than I share my pride with you. (You know, like when I cry at the Shamu show when they ask all of (you) service members to stand and be recognized? That's my pride in you, babe.)

Thank you also for working so hard to achieve your Masters and FNP. I know how important it is to you. I appreciate how much you have sacrificed this last year to get this far. So yes, you are right, telling them to screw off about having to be down there on the 30th probably isn't the best option. We'll figure it out :)

No matter what the shit we've gone through in the last 5.5 years? I have no doubt that I hit the jackpot with you. I am so very, very blessed by you.

I love you. I miss you. Drive safe. Then we'll leave again in the morning . . . on the road again . . . I just can't wait to get on the road again!

Sometimes Busy . . .

is too busy. Sometimes too busy is OK. Or tolerable. But sometimes too busy just plain sucks. 

Like tonight.

I don't talk much about John on my blog. He's never been overly comfortable with this place where I over-share about my life in ridiculous detail.

But tonight too busy=suckage. And there wasn't anything I could do about it. 

In hindsight? I could have shut up and just hugged on my husband and kissed him and murmured that it would all be all right.

And I wish that's what I would have done. 

Instead, we both tried to talk, without enough time to form the right words and he left for three days, all the while him not wanting to leave (but having to) and me not wanting him to go.

This coming and going and leaving and working and schooling and learning and growing and reporting and showing up? Is sometimes over-rated.

Sometimes it's just plain too-busy.

But I am fervently clinging to the idea that God has a plan for our family and that someday, we will spend more time just being. Being together.

So for now . . . for tonight . . . I will wait up to hear that he got to the AF Base safely. And he will drive to the AF Base while he is tired and overwhelmed and not 100% happy about going there. And I will pray the whole while that God will keep him safely in His hands. 

But I am looking for and waiting for the days that are just-busy-enough. The weeks where just-busy-enough overtake too-busy.

They're coming right? Sometime after today?

 

Valentine's Day Forgotten . . .

I cannot believe that I forgot to post about Valentine's Day! I made a vow to our Shannon that I was going to embrace the big V-day this year. (I really don't love it as a holiday, in general.) So . . . 

Since the kiddos didn't have school that day, we went to see Gnomeo and Juliet. Very slow, but an appropriate family event for when one is actually embracing Valentine's Day, yes?

Then we headed to Trader Joe's, where for the first time in five Valentine's Days, John actually HEARD me and what I think/want for flowers. For you see, back in the very beginning of our relationship, I told John that I didn't want overpriced flowers for Valentine's Day. Apparently he heard that as "I don't want any flowers for Valentine's Day". So this year, he had each of the kiddos pick out $6 bouquets for me at Trader Joe's and I LOVE THEM! Lesson learned, right John?

Anyway, after that, we headed home and glory be! Actually had a babysitter. On Valentine's Day! So we went out and partied like, well . . . an old married couple! But it was grand. 

Sierra Nevada at 4:35. Yep. We hit the Happy Hour menu :) Shared a couple of appetizers. I had a glass of wine. John had a beer. We flirted. We embraced Valentine's Day!

And then we ran to Costco. Target. And Staples. Yep, we know how to do romance all right!

When we came home, we exchanged our little gifts. And a grand time was had by all!

And of course, to truly embrace Valentine's Day and honor our Shannon . . . we had to make heart-shaped brownies. 

And eat all the leftover pieces. Of course. 

And that, my friends, is how I embrace Valentine's Day! No over-priced flowers. No crazy crowds at a fancy restaurant. Nothing crazy. Just John and I. And our kiddos. The perfect ebb and flow of couplehood and parenthood. And two beautiful bouquets that still look fabulous a week later :) And only cost $7 each. Perfect.