Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Dear Month of May . . .

You can officially piss off. I am over you. You and your . . . 

unknown causes of allergic reactions.

anaphylactic shock.

job uncertainty.

medical benefits that suck and apparently go on sabbatical at whim.

finances that can kiss my white butt.

ridiculous schedule of work, school and everything-else-under-the-sun.

numb arms and muscles spasms and neck pain.

strep throat and stomach bugs and food poisoning and acid reflux.

exhaustion.

memorial services.

long days.

short nights.

jr. epi-pens that cost an arm and a leg.

forgotten appointments.

dirty floors.

animals that barf.

weeds that grow. 

lawns that get brown.

weekend getaways that don't get to happen.

broken iPads.

disappointments.

hurt.

heartache.

multiple trips to the pharmacy.

lack of joy.

Yep. You. (May). Can. Piss. Off.

I welcome you, June. You are my new favorite month. Bring it. I need you like I need air! Two more hours and I will breathe deeply. For the first time in a very long time. (31 days, to be precise!)

I am toasting the changing of the month with a lovely champagne cocktail. Strawberries and prosecco. Yes, please and thank you. All wrapped into one (or twenty) delightful bubbly sips of goodness.

Endings . . .

What a way to begin, right?

But it seems as if we’re in a season of endings. Some of those finales are very positive. The end of the school year . . . amen. Then the other endings . . . the loss of Andy . . . the memorial service for John’s uncle . . . those endings are emotional and difficult.

I told Renee the other day that she should take comfort in how many difficult conversations have been held between husbands and wives over the last few weeks. John and I, included. Talks about life insurance, funeral plans, finances, music . . . you name it, we’ve talked about it!

As a small little aside? Get your pictures taken. Individually. Make sure that every few years there is one high-resolution photo of you. Just you. This is after another afternoon of cropping people out of poor-resolution photos and ignoring low-quality warnings from the printer. Sigh. But we have the photos of John’s uncle in-hand. And they will do. Just barely.

John and I are currently headed down to Sacramento for his Uncle’s memorial. The kids are home with my in-laws. After the service/reception back at his Aunt’s home? My husband and I have 24+ hours alone. Alone! It’s a ridiculous case of house-swapping . . . John’s dad and stepmom headed up to the Tahoe cabin. John’s mom and stepdad came to our house. Instead of a hotel? John and I are staying at his dad’s house! The location can’t be beat . . . beautiful pool . . . great views . . . and the price was right, for sure!

We’re going to head to Anthropologie to return my lumpy, bumpy, oddly-fitting dress. We have an appointment at the Apple store, where I am praying they will simply replace my iPad. My poor sad iPad that I dropped on the tile floor. Ouch! We are maybe going to dinner at Tahoe Joe’s, where I have never eaten, but my husband says has some yummy eats. We are probably going to rent a movie. We are going to relax. Tomorrow, we are going to get up whenever we feel like it. Maybe we’ll head out to brunch. IKEA? Time by the pool? A bookstore? Or maybe a couple of open houses? Oh . . .the opportunities are endless! 

(Although a little sad and telling of our age, isn't it? We get 24 hours alone and there is no partying, gambling, concerts, comedy shows, etc . . . nope, we're headed up to stay at Sun City and thrilled as could be about it!)

And with that, we begin with an ending, then get a moment (or 24 hours!) of new beginnings. 

A Non-Distracted Life . . .

How do we do this? How, in the midst of the constant realm of electronic (and immediate) media, do we choose to be intentional with our actual lives? Versus the most recently updated Facebook status, Twitter streams and DVR'd latest episodes of the most popular TV shows?

I don't have an answer, but I'm trying to make my way.

I'm realizing the moments that make up our day . . . the days that make up our lives? They are the ones that matter. They create the sum total. 

My sum total? I want . . . no, I need to equal family + friends + community + service + God + faith + good + honorable + generous.

The word problem and final equation of me should be, no must be . . .

AMY = FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

Yes, Facebook and Twitter and my iPhone and my iPad and my iMac and my blog and my DVR and my email and my text messages and my busyness  and my Photoshop. . . they all play a part in that equation.

BUT . . . they don't play the central role.

The central role is relationship. I can't focus on relationship (with my spouse, my children, my friends, my community), if I'm constantly listening for my phone to "ping" or for my email to "ding". Sometimes that Ding or Ping helps create a  bridge to community, children, friends, spouse . . . but a lot of times (most of the time?) it destroys that bridge.

Today I met with a dear friend and talked about the details of the service to honor and remember her husband. The father of her children.

Today I took Halle out to the "big backyard" and pushed her on the swing for 20 minutes.

Today I took Dylan to Target and rode the cart like a scooter and held his hand and skiped through the aisles and talked about STDs. (It's Sex Ed week at school!)

Today I was so proud of Halle as she conquered her fear of the dentist and got X-Rays and fluoride and an exam with minimal tears.

Today I basically decided that the pediatrician could piss off (she determined that allergy testing wasn't important and that we might never know what caused Halle's severe reaction on Monday).

Today I was relived that we already have an appointment with the allergist.

Today I Photoshopped a photo to include with an obituary.

Today I decided that along with annual exams? The doctor should require a simple (yet high resolution)  head shot. Photoshopping the ferry background out of an obituary photo will make you consider such policies!

Today I promised my daughter that I would read her two books a day. No excuses.

Today I cracked up (outloud) at Modern Family.

Today I made plans (via text) to spend a day with Halle's Godmother.

All of these meanderings lead me to what's at the center.

FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

I'm focusing. How can technology help me work towards the center? How can it distract me from my dream? Ironicaly? It all comes back to my "One Word" words . . . BALANCE and WHOLENESS. Bring it.

Although. let's be clear, Balance and Wholeness aside . . . I'm damn good at creating  an obituary photo from a snapshot taken on the ferry. If necessary.

Stick a Fork in Me . . .

I'm done. Done, people. Done with a capitol D!

Dylan went back to school this morning. (Amen.) After sleeping through his alarm. 

Halle also went to school this morning. 

I went to work this morning. After sending Halle off to school with John. After dropping off my car at the dealership for service. (And after successfully negotiating a deal to quasi-make-up-for the bad info we received about our Acadia's tow capacity when we bought it. I.E., we were told twice, both times quite clearly, that it had a tow capacity of 4,500 pounds. Sadly, Stella, as I have named her, can only tow 2,000 pounds. Which is much less than our tent trailer.) 

This was John's first Monday with no clinical hours. Amen. Thankfully. And oh, dear, God; we barely made it through this last semester! This was really the highlight of my day. My week! We even ate lunch together!

I worked today. John ran errands. The children do whatever it is that they do at school. ;-)

At 2:40, John dropped me off at Dylan's school to interview one of our principal candidates. At 2:49 I missed a call from Halle's school. At 2:50, I excused myself and listened to the message which stated, "Hi Amy. This isn't an emergency, but please call me ASAP." I tried to call the school and couldn't get through. I then got a second message that said, "Halle seems to be having a reaction of some kind, she has facial swelling, but she's fine. She's not having any difficulty breathing. Please call us, ASAP." Again, I couldn't through to the school. I called John and told him to just go get her. That she was having a reaction of some kid and having facial swelling.

His first statement? "They need to call 911." I told him to try and call and tell them that because I couldn't reach them.

I was sure he was over-reacting. In an experienced ER nurse kinda way. I went back into the interview. And apologized for how distracted I was. I called the school again and they told me that John was there and all was fine. I finished the interview. I completed the evaluation form. I went and collected Dylan from the office. And then we went out to find John. Who was coming to pick us up. When I couldn't find him? I called. I assumed he would say he was in the parking lot or on the other street.

Nope. He was at an emergent care clinic with Halle. And they were injecting her with epinephrine.

So help me, my heart stopped.

I stumbled around for a minute, then found us a ride to the clinic. (Thank you, Margaret!)

When we got there, made our way to the back and opened the door? I gasped. I caught my breath. I choked on a sob. The swollen little face that was looking at me? Was almost unrecognizable. And John's first words were, "you should have seen her before the epi-pen".

Sigh. I just trudged through a 13 day battle with a horrific virus/strep for Dylan. I was gearing up, not for anything amazing, but just to catch up. Catch. Up.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to get my hair done. As petty as it seems? It's kind of important. To my self esteem. To the idea that folks will look at my beautiful hair color versus my need for a tummy-tuck. And lipo. And, well . . . a breast-lift, if anyone is counting. 

So tomorrow? I will get my hairs did. With Halle by my side. Probably watching the Fresh Beat Band on my iPad. After a night of waking every hour or more often to check for facial edema (or swelling, for us laymen) and respiratory distress.

Really, who needs a decent night's sleep, anyway?

This is my girl AFTER the epinephrine. I'm pretty sure it was a good thing (or a God thing) that I didn't see her before. 

Perspective . . .

I had a long post typed out about Mother's Day. Typepad ate it. So here's the short and sweet version:

Hold your family and dear ones close. Hold them tight. Tell them I'm sorry and I love you and I treasure you and you matter. 

I'm feeling really blessed right now. At the same time, I am so very sad for our dear friends. Andy is barely hanging on. He told Renee last night that he was going to go soon. The boys and Renee and his dear parents said their goodbyes. I am so incredibly sad for them. I am struggling to reconcile the loss of such a young man. A husband. A dad. A teacher. A son. A friend. I am just sad. These songs are on an almost constant loop on my iPhone:

And with that . . . go hug your loved ones. Say a little prayer of thanks. And please, if you don't mind, remember my friends in your prayers. Andy, Renee, Matthew and Ian. Martha and Pop (Andy's parents).

10 More Gifts . . .

21. Mason jars. And especially, fruity drinks served in Mason jars!

22. The truth. Especially when it seems like lies are winning.

23. A dance party when you could choose to curl up and cry. 

24. Good television to plug your preschooler into when you just have  nothing left to give.

25. A husband who comes home, only to leave again. But whom you are assured will come home again. Sooner or later.

26. Someone to rub your back, even when you're being crabby and don't deserve it.

27. A weekend. Scheduled months ago. Complete with daycare (Poppi and GB) and no plans. It's coming. Soon.

28. Antibiotics. For a reasonable and affordable $10 co-pay. For the boy that isn't getting better with time.

29. Monday. Which is usually a bad word, but in this case? Equals preschool. Amen.

30. Funny text messages from loved ones. Just at the right time!

Embracing May . . .

That's what I've decided to do. Yeah, there's some tough stuff going on, but, the good news is that after May? Comes June. And June is usually pretty darn good! But between now and then, I'm going to focus on my 1,000 gifts journaling. In fact, I'm going to re-start at #1. Right now.

1. Blowing bubbles with my kiddos in the backyard last night.

2. Squishing all of us onto the hammock - including the dog!

3. The warm sunshine on my shoulders as I sit outside typing this.

4. The yummy scent of someone's lunch - and the knowledge that mine is coming and will taste as good as theirs smells!

5. The perfect flavors of a Tea Bar bowl . . . brown rice, lettuce, steak, avocado and a creamy teriaki sauce.

6. Lunch with a friend.

7. Working efficiently today. Between numerous appointments, I find myself in various coffee and tea houses, using their wireless and avaoiding driving back across town, only to have to leave again.

8. Halle's excitement at her upcoming sleepover at her friend's. She is downright giddy!

9. Allergy meds.

10. Picking up Dylan a little early. He's still not feeling great, but had standardized testing this morning. So when I finish with my lunch? I'll be picking him up. (Also efficient, as I've been downtown this entire time!)

See? Even in the midst of the weariness that threatens to overtake me, I can find so many moments of gratitude. Recognizing those moments are the true gift.

OK, Let's Just Skip to June Already . . .

And yes, I know . . . it's not even officially May yet! 

Every. Single. Year. I. Feel. Like. This.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm under-functioning. I'm melancholy. I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm hating work. I'm overwhelmed.

Did I mention that I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Anyway . . . 

I don't know what to do about daycare this summer. We currently have Halle signed up for preschool on Tuesday and Wednesday. But preschool starts at 8:45. Sharp. Let's be honest . . . that's hard for me to make during the winter, let alone during the summer! But last summer, I hired Dylan to watch his sister. Um, yeah. That didn't work. At all. So I'm confused. Unsure. Stressed. And bejiggetty. 

Kindergarten is also stressing me out. Of course, Halle is going to Dylan's school. Of course she is. But it hasn't stopped me from touring our neighborhood Kindergarten program and looking at our two local private school programs.

Neither of my kids feel particularly well. Allergies? Or a virus? Hard to say at this point. But I'm ready to fast-forward over that too!

Work. Ugh. Work. can't say more than that, but really . . . work . . . ugh! 

Politics. Both those that I work with (thus the aforementioned ugh) and the local political plays that are plaguing us. Like our closest fire station being closed until July 1. Pending funding. Political ridiculousness at it's worst.

Money. I am ready to win the lottery. Just saying. (And no . . . I don't play it, so my chances are pretty much zip!)

My husband. God-love him. I'm super worried about him. He's three weeks from finishing his hardest semester for his Master's program. And he's hanging by the thinnest of threads to have enough clinical hours. He missed eight clinical hours today to spend time with his Uncle. Which is so important. But I'm worried about him. So stinkin' worried.

Laundry. Dishes. Bills. Dirty floors. A dog that keeps hacking and coughing like there is something wrong with him (=$$$$ at the vet). No vacation plans for the summer. A daughter who is terrified of her pending dentist appointment. Family that is close but not a part of our daily support system. Or even weekly (or monthly) for that matter. A lot of crap.

It's a lot of real life stuff, I guess. Real life. It's good. Really. 

Just overwhelming at this exact moment.

Did I mention that I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Good Friday . . .

Yesterday was exactly what I expected it to be. An unpleasant morning. The evening, however, was everything I needed it to be. A good time with two of my closest friends. With wine. And possibly, a shot of Patron. A yummy salad. Cuddled up on the back porch, under the white lights. The evening definitely overcame the morning. It was made better by the fact that I was actually still awake when my hubby came home from work. Time with my besties and then time with my husband? All in the same day? Whoohoooo!

Anyway, I am off work today. And I made the decision to close our office on Monday. My assistant and I both needed that day with our families. So be it. A four-day weekend it is!

As for today, it is Good Friday. 

 

The Skit Guys share it much better than I could ever hope to. (This video, by the way, is very appropriate for a tween. It's a very teachable and touching thing to share with your older children, if they are at that point.)

And yes, I have a Good Friday post that mentions tequila. This might be a personal best (low) for me. Our Shannon? I'll post pics for you tomorrow. Love ya, though!

Carry Me to the Cross . . .

And so begins Holy Week. A week of trying, above all else, to focus on the ministry of Christ, His death and ultimately, His resurrection. I welcome the opportunity to soak it all in. To embrace it. To breath deeply and feel the love and pain and sacrifice and grace that this historical week has brought to me.

A holy and so-very-overwhelming ideal, isn't it?

When the path is daunting And every step exhausting I'm not alone I'm not alone, no, no I feel you draw me closer All these burdens on my shoulder I'm not alone, I'm not alone You pull me me from this place Hellelujah You carry me every day You carry me all all the way Hallelujah You carry me to the You carry me to the cross How your love has moved me, yeah To the foot of all your glory I'm not alone, I'm not alone I'm not alone Hallelujah You carry me every day You carry me all all the way Hallelujah You carry me to the You carry me to the cross All of these cities you have built And every cathedral you have filled To all of creation you gave life with your hands And with those hands you comfort me You lift me up from my knees And carry me You carry me