Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Dear Month of May . . .

You can officially piss off. I am over you. You and your . . . 

unknown causes of allergic reactions.

anaphylactic shock.

job uncertainty.

medical benefits that suck and apparently go on sabbatical at whim.

finances that can kiss my white butt.

ridiculous schedule of work, school and everything-else-under-the-sun.

numb arms and muscles spasms and neck pain.

strep throat and stomach bugs and food poisoning and acid reflux.

exhaustion.

memorial services.

long days.

short nights.

jr. epi-pens that cost an arm and a leg.

forgotten appointments.

dirty floors.

animals that barf.

weeds that grow. 

lawns that get brown.

weekend getaways that don't get to happen.

broken iPads.

disappointments.

hurt.

heartache.

multiple trips to the pharmacy.

lack of joy.

Yep. You. (May). Can. Piss. Off.

I welcome you, June. You are my new favorite month. Bring it. I need you like I need air! Two more hours and I will breathe deeply. For the first time in a very long time. (31 days, to be precise!)

I am toasting the changing of the month with a lovely champagne cocktail. Strawberries and prosecco. Yes, please and thank you. All wrapped into one (or twenty) delightful bubbly sips of goodness.

Over It . . .

I'm officially over the month of May. I'm ignoring the fact that one more measly day remains.

Sigh. Remind me to put my kids on independent study and go away for the entire month of May next year. It's too much. It may be my actual breaking point. Wimpy of me, I know. AND I know that I complain about it every year. So what can I do differently in  2013? I'm still thinking that a total escape plan is the way to go!

Halle had her last day of preschool today. How is that even possible? Didn't I just have her? How on earth can she be entering Kindergarten in two months?

Dylan only has one more lunch to pack for 7th grade. (Can I get an Amen?) Only 1.5 days left of having a 7th grader. That's almost crazier than Halle going to Kindergarten!

I am supposed to go to Roseville tomorrow. To pick up my replacement iPad. But I can't. I have too much to do. Wouldn't you think, that in this day and age that they could flippin' send it to me? Apparently, they cannot. Don't. Piss. Me. Off. It's still May which means that I'm not stable. Or predictable.

On my agenda for tomorrow? Finishing my packet for work. Finalizing the program for Andy's memorial service and testing all of our A/V stuff for the service. A doctor's appointment to determine what the heck is going on with my shoulder/neck/numbness in my left arm/hand. Refilling all of our prescriptions that are eligible since our insurance coverage ends on Thursday. Oh, did I forget to emtion that little ditty? Just one more bit of May loveliness that was slightly unexpected. Who needs insurance for June and July anyway? (Not us. The family with unknown allergy issues and neck/shoulder spasms and weird viruses and the good-Lord-knows what else.)

Also, after her dandy little stomach virus? Halle has now been running a high fever for the last two afternoons. Like 102 kinda fever. How awesome is that? I'm watching John try to visualize her throat right now. It's not going well. But there my girl is, crying and gagging and telling us that her throat hurts. Sigh.

Did I mention that I was done? I'm really, really (really) done.

Today we met my Dad for an afternoon ice cream treat. He's leaving for two months. He's headed to my sister's (in Sweden) for the summer. Both of my kids are very melancholy. What I would really love to happen? Is for my nephew to come back with him at the end of July. For maybe 10-14 days? Enough time to camp and play and travel and hang? I'm still crossing my fingers that it might actually happen.

Tomorrow I also need to deal with bills and daycare and mowing the front lawn and planning the outdoor movie night we're hosting on Friday and laundry and work and my 20th reunion and ???? I'm determined to get it all done so I can take a breath and start anew on June 1st.

We're getting close, peeps. Very, very close! I may even survive the last day of this damn month! Maybe? Possibly? Please?

Endings . . .

What a way to begin, right?

But it seems as if we’re in a season of endings. Some of those finales are very positive. The end of the school year . . . amen. Then the other endings . . . the loss of Andy . . . the memorial service for John’s uncle . . . those endings are emotional and difficult.

I told Renee the other day that she should take comfort in how many difficult conversations have been held between husbands and wives over the last few weeks. John and I, included. Talks about life insurance, funeral plans, finances, music . . . you name it, we’ve talked about it!

As a small little aside? Get your pictures taken. Individually. Make sure that every few years there is one high-resolution photo of you. Just you. This is after another afternoon of cropping people out of poor-resolution photos and ignoring low-quality warnings from the printer. Sigh. But we have the photos of John’s uncle in-hand. And they will do. Just barely.

John and I are currently headed down to Sacramento for his Uncle’s memorial. The kids are home with my in-laws. After the service/reception back at his Aunt’s home? My husband and I have 24+ hours alone. Alone! It’s a ridiculous case of house-swapping . . . John’s dad and stepmom headed up to the Tahoe cabin. John’s mom and stepdad came to our house. Instead of a hotel? John and I are staying at his dad’s house! The location can’t be beat . . . beautiful pool . . . great views . . . and the price was right, for sure!

We’re going to head to Anthropologie to return my lumpy, bumpy, oddly-fitting dress. We have an appointment at the Apple store, where I am praying they will simply replace my iPad. My poor sad iPad that I dropped on the tile floor. Ouch! We are maybe going to dinner at Tahoe Joe’s, where I have never eaten, but my husband says has some yummy eats. We are probably going to rent a movie. We are going to relax. Tomorrow, we are going to get up whenever we feel like it. Maybe we’ll head out to brunch. IKEA? Time by the pool? A bookstore? Or maybe a couple of open houses? Oh . . .the opportunities are endless! 

(Although a little sad and telling of our age, isn't it? We get 24 hours alone and there is no partying, gambling, concerts, comedy shows, etc . . . nope, we're headed up to stay at Sun City and thrilled as could be about it!)

And with that, we begin with an ending, then get a moment (or 24 hours!) of new beginnings. 

Happy Day . . .

I'm sitting in the backyard, with my feet up on the ottoman. There's a light breeze blowing. The sun is out. John is napping. Halle is napping (although she wasn't tired . . . not one it!) Dylan is playing on the xBox.

My car is freshly washed . . . a late Mother's Day gift from my amazing firstborn. I'm drinking a Fresca, out of a mason jar, with frozen fruit for ice. My flowers are blooming. My groundcover is growing. There is evidence of last night's fun with the chalked hopscotch fading on the patio. The side yard is cleaned up, as done by my husband who possibly was still drunk when he got up this morning. He rocked it. (Both the drunkenness and the recovery!) More on the drunkenness later . . . I'm collecting iPhone pics and video clips as they come in. 

Tonight we are driving down to Live Oak to my very favorite eatery, Pasquini's.  (Yes, really. If you've passed them a hundred times on 99 and ever wondered if it was decent? I'm here to tell you that they are beyond decent!) We are meeting up with John's Dad to celebrate his birthday. (Happy birthday, Poppi!)

For the first weekend in months, John doesn't have any homework or school projects or tests. That feels beyond amazing to me! I know it feels even better to him!

I am just soaking in it. Reveling in it, really. Love me some happy, easy Saturday.

A Non-Distracted Life . . .

How do we do this? How, in the midst of the constant realm of electronic (and immediate) media, do we choose to be intentional with our actual lives? Versus the most recently updated Facebook status, Twitter streams and DVR'd latest episodes of the most popular TV shows?

I don't have an answer, but I'm trying to make my way.

I'm realizing the moments that make up our day . . . the days that make up our lives? They are the ones that matter. They create the sum total. 

My sum total? I want . . . no, I need to equal family + friends + community + service + God + faith + good + honorable + generous.

The word problem and final equation of me should be, no must be . . .

AMY = FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

Yes, Facebook and Twitter and my iPhone and my iPad and my iMac and my blog and my DVR and my email and my text messages and my busyness  and my Photoshop. . . they all play a part in that equation.

BUT . . . they don't play the central role.

The central role is relationship. I can't focus on relationship (with my spouse, my children, my friends, my community), if I'm constantly listening for my phone to "ping" or for my email to "ding". Sometimes that Ding or Ping helps create a  bridge to community, children, friends, spouse . . . but a lot of times (most of the time?) it destroys that bridge.

Today I met with a dear friend and talked about the details of the service to honor and remember her husband. The father of her children.

Today I took Halle out to the "big backyard" and pushed her on the swing for 20 minutes.

Today I took Dylan to Target and rode the cart like a scooter and held his hand and skiped through the aisles and talked about STDs. (It's Sex Ed week at school!)

Today I was so proud of Halle as she conquered her fear of the dentist and got X-Rays and fluoride and an exam with minimal tears.

Today I basically decided that the pediatrician could piss off (she determined that allergy testing wasn't important and that we might never know what caused Halle's severe reaction on Monday).

Today I was relived that we already have an appointment with the allergist.

Today I Photoshopped a photo to include with an obituary.

Today I decided that along with annual exams? The doctor should require a simple (yet high resolution)  head shot. Photoshopping the ferry background out of an obituary photo will make you consider such policies!

Today I promised my daughter that I would read her two books a day. No excuses.

Today I cracked up (outloud) at Modern Family.

Today I made plans (via text) to spend a day with Halle's Godmother.

All of these meanderings lead me to what's at the center.

FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

I'm focusing. How can technology help me work towards the center? How can it distract me from my dream? Ironicaly? It all comes back to my "One Word" words . . . BALANCE and WHOLENESS. Bring it.

Although. let's be clear, Balance and Wholeness aside . . . I'm damn good at creating  an obituary photo from a snapshot taken on the ferry. If necessary.

Better . . .

Halle-boo is much, much better. Other than the remaining dark rings under her eyes, she is back to her beautiful self. I, of course, have matching dark rings . . . but mine are from lack of sleep. I was a wee bit worried about her last night! Epinephrine is my new favorite thing. Ever. (Well, not really, but I do really, really appreciate it!)

So sister stayed home with me today. I didn't even try to work. Nope. I called in and said I was taking the day off. I answered maybe three emails all day? The rest are going to be there when I get to work tomorrow. Amazing how it waits for us, yes?

Also amazing is the circle of fabulous Moms in my life. My hairdresser is a mom. She didn't even expect me to call in and cancel after seeing Halle's swollen face on Facebook. We agreed that taking sister into the hair salon and exposing her to all sorts of smells and chemicals and whatnot wasn't the best plan for recovery! So instead, I'll rock my roots for another week or so and just go with is. Hats are always in style!

Since work and hair appointments were out of the way, we made a donut run. We played Barbies. I took some pastries by to Renee's. (Who doesn't enjoy a little Tin Roof baked good when you're going through hell, right?) We went by the preschool to say hi to her friends. We spent some time at my Gram's house. We snuck out to lunch with my Auntie. I went to another principal interview. Halle is watching Chipwrecked. God love the Chipmunks AND the Roku!

(Seriously, people . . . I love the Roku. I know that I bought it for John, but the instant gratification factor of downloading movies is pretty darn fabulous. And yes, I realize you don't need a Roku to do this, BUT Amazon Prime + the Roku= a lot of free/cheap movies.)

Dylan is running for student council again. He got his posters done and put them up today. What a cutie! He even let me take a quick picture to put on his fliers, since we didn't have any good photos without his braces. I'd vote for him! 

And with that, John and I are sitting on the patio. I'm blogging. He's grading papers. The dog is at my feet. The kids are content. Ahhhhh. I have a weird little feeling that I'm supposed to be somewhere, but I'm not even going to look at Cozi. Nope. I am totally pushing the "ignore" button tonight.

I think we all deserve it! 

One little aside? Since we had to cancel our book club last night, we missed our Skype session with Kelle Hampton. AND I forgot to email her to tell her. So heck if my phone doesn't ring last night and it's her! I was a little smitten. She was very sweet and totally forgiving. So we get to reschedule another time. That could be tough over the next few weeks, but by golly, we're going to try! If you haven't read it yet? Go buy Bloom. In hardcover. Caress it. Gaze upon the awesome pictures. Curl up and read her honest journey. Trust me, before you're even a couple of chapters in? You'll be smitten too!

Stick a Fork in Me . . .

I'm done. Done, people. Done with a capitol D!

Dylan went back to school this morning. (Amen.) After sleeping through his alarm. 

Halle also went to school this morning. 

I went to work this morning. After sending Halle off to school with John. After dropping off my car at the dealership for service. (And after successfully negotiating a deal to quasi-make-up-for the bad info we received about our Acadia's tow capacity when we bought it. I.E., we were told twice, both times quite clearly, that it had a tow capacity of 4,500 pounds. Sadly, Stella, as I have named her, can only tow 2,000 pounds. Which is much less than our tent trailer.) 

This was John's first Monday with no clinical hours. Amen. Thankfully. And oh, dear, God; we barely made it through this last semester! This was really the highlight of my day. My week! We even ate lunch together!

I worked today. John ran errands. The children do whatever it is that they do at school. ;-)

At 2:40, John dropped me off at Dylan's school to interview one of our principal candidates. At 2:49 I missed a call from Halle's school. At 2:50, I excused myself and listened to the message which stated, "Hi Amy. This isn't an emergency, but please call me ASAP." I tried to call the school and couldn't get through. I then got a second message that said, "Halle seems to be having a reaction of some kind, she has facial swelling, but she's fine. She's not having any difficulty breathing. Please call us, ASAP." Again, I couldn't through to the school. I called John and told him to just go get her. That she was having a reaction of some kid and having facial swelling.

His first statement? "They need to call 911." I told him to try and call and tell them that because I couldn't reach them.

I was sure he was over-reacting. In an experienced ER nurse kinda way. I went back into the interview. And apologized for how distracted I was. I called the school again and they told me that John was there and all was fine. I finished the interview. I completed the evaluation form. I went and collected Dylan from the office. And then we went out to find John. Who was coming to pick us up. When I couldn't find him? I called. I assumed he would say he was in the parking lot or on the other street.

Nope. He was at an emergent care clinic with Halle. And they were injecting her with epinephrine.

So help me, my heart stopped.

I stumbled around for a minute, then found us a ride to the clinic. (Thank you, Margaret!)

When we got there, made our way to the back and opened the door? I gasped. I caught my breath. I choked on a sob. The swollen little face that was looking at me? Was almost unrecognizable. And John's first words were, "you should have seen her before the epi-pen".

Sigh. I just trudged through a 13 day battle with a horrific virus/strep for Dylan. I was gearing up, not for anything amazing, but just to catch up. Catch. Up.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to get my hair done. As petty as it seems? It's kind of important. To my self esteem. To the idea that folks will look at my beautiful hair color versus my need for a tummy-tuck. And lipo. And, well . . . a breast-lift, if anyone is counting. 

So tomorrow? I will get my hairs did. With Halle by my side. Probably watching the Fresh Beat Band on my iPad. After a night of waking every hour or more often to check for facial edema (or swelling, for us laymen) and respiratory distress.

Really, who needs a decent night's sleep, anyway?

This is my girl AFTER the epinephrine. I'm pretty sure it was a good thing (or a God thing) that I didn't see her before. 

10 More Gifts . . .

21. Mason jars. And especially, fruity drinks served in Mason jars!

22. The truth. Especially when it seems like lies are winning.

23. A dance party when you could choose to curl up and cry. 

24. Good television to plug your preschooler into when you just have  nothing left to give.

25. A husband who comes home, only to leave again. But whom you are assured will come home again. Sooner or later.

26. Someone to rub your back, even when you're being crabby and don't deserve it.

27. A weekend. Scheduled months ago. Complete with daycare (Poppi and GB) and no plans. It's coming. Soon.

28. Antibiotics. For a reasonable and affordable $10 co-pay. For the boy that isn't getting better with time.

29. Monday. Which is usually a bad word, but in this case? Equals preschool. Amen.

30. Funny text messages from loved ones. Just at the right time!

Re-cap(ish) . . .

Lots going on around here. Some good. Some bad. Some down-right sucky. But I can't talk about the down-right sucky on here. Seriously. So we're moving on . . . 

John just got back from his drill weekend. He drove down from Sacramento on Thursday night. He flew on Friday morning. He drove back to Sacramento on Friday afternoon. His uncle passed away a couple of hours after he got there. (So glad he was able to be there.) RIP, Uncle Gary. Then John turned around and drove back to the base late that night. I think he got in at 1:30 in the morning. And now he's home. Finally. It's been one hell of a week for him. He has his last exam of the semester (as a student) on Tuesday and then I think (I hope), that it will get easier for him. At least for now. Hopefully.

Dylan is still sick. If you're counting? It's now been a week. It's not strep throat. It's probably still viral. But I have a Z-pack that I am so ready to start him on. His sinuses are beyond inflamed. His fevers have finally subsided, but he still feels like crap. He looks like someone beat him up every day when he gets up. Poor guy. But all that being said, he needs to get better. ASAP. He needs to get back to school. Crossing my fingers for possibly Tuesday?

Halle is bit of a mess too. She's having some serious allergy symptoms. And some serious clinginess. She's decided that she's scared to be in her room alone. It's good times, peeps. Really, really good times! As we speak, her mattress is laying on our bedroom floor. This is not a good omen.

And yes, please remember that I'm not even talking about the down-right sucky ugliness. What a relief, huh?

But, and here's the big but (aside from my posterior); allergies and viruses and crazy schedules aside? And yes, even the unmentionable down-right sucky ugliness aside? We're all ok. Dylan has a nasty bug, not cancer. Halle has allergies, not cancer. John's schedule is nuts, but he doesn't have cancer. I'm possibly going nuts, but I don't have cancer. Do you sense a theme here?

On Wednesday, I will be meeting with a friend, her husband and their families. To help plan her husband's memorial service. He is dying from, you guessed it, fucking cancer. (Pardon my french, but if anything is ever deserving of the f-word, it's cancer.) They have two young boys. He was diagnosed a year ago. Up until this last week, they fought the disease with ever possible combination of chemo and regimes possible. They've been told that he doesn't have long.

When I dropped dinner off at their house last week, I came home and sat in my driveway and cried for ten minutes. Sobbed, actually. I've watched their oldest son get quieter over the last year. I've watched their youngest son lose some of his over-the-top exuberance. I've watched their mom, my friend, spiral through the entire range of emotions as she fights for her family. So, I am bringing what I can. Which is so very little. But, when push comes to shove? I'm a planner. A wedding-party-memorial service planner. I am very versatile, indeed! But there is nothing that means more to me than planning a memorial service with/for a friend or family member. I feel as if I'm using my God-given talents in a way that is meaningful. And useful. Even when it is so very hard.

Other than all that delightfulness? Today I cleaned the house, washed sheets, did various other loads of laundry, mowed both lawns, picked up Barbies, grocery shopped, administered medications, read the paper, bought a dress online from Anthropologie and worked on some schedule stuff for this upcoming week. Yesterday I talked to my sister in Sweden, showered (!!), downloaded two seasons of Horseland for Halle, looked on VRBO for a Kauai house to rent over Christmas (ha!), laid on the hammock, trimmed some shrubs, infused some vodka, went out to Sol for Cinco de Mayo (and to hear a friend's band play) made s'mores and had an impromptu dance party (complete with limbo! with the kiddos upon my return. We also did some "Ding Dong" doorbell ditching. A box of Hostess Ding Dongs, with a nice note, left on a doorstep before we (Dylan) hit the doorbell and ran. Hilarious fun.

(And Halle played "Wendy" of Peter Pan fame, which was really just being tied up to the pergola with a jump rope. Who knows about that one!)

What I didn't do this weekend? Was make the D.C./New York photobook like I had planned. Oops. Must. Prioritize. Soon. I also didn't do my Friday Phone Dump. Again. Nor did I wash my car. Didn't make it to church. I also didn't find a place for us to stay in San Francisco next month. Or more specifically, someplace to stay for less than $350 a night. But it's all about balance, baby. 

Dance parties amidst the cancer. Desire for tropical escape amidst the b.s. Cuddles with my girl, even as she climbs into our bed from her bed, two feet away. A quick kiss for my hubby before he starts prepping for his exam. A good talk with Dylan about random things between his coughing and grasping his throat. Moments of clarity among the confusion.

Balance and wholeness. 

From here. (But I feel the need to re-create it with a "your" for "you" sweetness.)

11-20 on my 1,000 things:

11. My son who made his sister's lunch because I forgot.

12. My BFF who drove to our house, picked up said lunch and then drove it to Halle's preschool.

13. Not running out of gas, even after ignoring the "low fuel warning" for 30 miles.

14. A mileage reimbursement check that I had forgotten about.

15. Saying "no" to a fun activity on Friday night to spend time with my boy instead.

16. John's safe travels to and from Sacramento, especially given how little sleep he has had.

17. My employee picking up my favorite chai latte from Starbuck's and having it waiting for me when I got to work.

18. Quiet time in the car with good worship tunes on extra-loud.

19. Waterproof mascara for when my tears leaked out.

20. Dylan's fever easing in the middle of the night.