Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Dear Month of May . . .

You can officially piss off. I am over you. You and your . . . 

unknown causes of allergic reactions.

anaphylactic shock.

job uncertainty.

medical benefits that suck and apparently go on sabbatical at whim.

finances that can kiss my white butt.

ridiculous schedule of work, school and everything-else-under-the-sun.

numb arms and muscles spasms and neck pain.

strep throat and stomach bugs and food poisoning and acid reflux.

exhaustion.

memorial services.

long days.

short nights.

jr. epi-pens that cost an arm and a leg.

forgotten appointments.

dirty floors.

animals that barf.

weeds that grow. 

lawns that get brown.

weekend getaways that don't get to happen.

broken iPads.

disappointments.

hurt.

heartache.

multiple trips to the pharmacy.

lack of joy.

Yep. You. (May). Can. Piss. Off.

I welcome you, June. You are my new favorite month. Bring it. I need you like I need air! Two more hours and I will breathe deeply. For the first time in a very long time. (31 days, to be precise!)

I am toasting the changing of the month with a lovely champagne cocktail. Strawberries and prosecco. Yes, please and thank you. All wrapped into one (or twenty) delightful bubbly sips of goodness.

Bitchin' and Cryin' . . .

and vomiting. 

Well to be clear, Halle was vomiting and crying (for her Mama), so we headed home first thing this morning. Of course. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with my little while she was so sick. And I was teary and impatient and anxious to get home to her. Kudos to my in-laws, because they were up most of the night with her. Kudos to Dylan who woke up to his sister throwing up all over his bed. 

But if I can be horrifically selfish for one moment? 

All I freakin' wanted was a weekend away. One flippin' weekend.

The 1/2 of the weekend that we did get? Was at a funeral and memorial reception.

And yes, I know that I sound like the biggest bitch in the Western world right now, but seriously? One weekend. Two days. One night.

To top it off? John and I got in an argument on the way home. Why in the heck would we choose to talk about finances on our way home from our interupted weekend away? How dumb are we? (Dumb, apparently.) 

So now I'm pissy. And still a little teary. And I feel cheated. Because now I am home, decontaminating every surface in our home from the vomit-fest that seemingly occurred on every darn surface, and I have house guests. And no food in the fridge. It sucks. And I'm pissy. And sound so spoiled and ridiculous. But I wanted to have a lazy day. And not worry about dinner plans for the family/in-laws. 

Sigh. Rant over. I am over it. I am. Or I will be soon.

A Non-Distracted Life . . .

How do we do this? How, in the midst of the constant realm of electronic (and immediate) media, do we choose to be intentional with our actual lives? Versus the most recently updated Facebook status, Twitter streams and DVR'd latest episodes of the most popular TV shows?

I don't have an answer, but I'm trying to make my way.

I'm realizing the moments that make up our day . . . the days that make up our lives? They are the ones that matter. They create the sum total. 

My sum total? I want . . . no, I need to equal family + friends + community + service + God + faith + good + honorable + generous.

The word problem and final equation of me should be, no must be . . .

AMY = FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

Yes, Facebook and Twitter and my iPhone and my iPad and my iMac and my blog and my DVR and my email and my text messages and my busyness  and my Photoshop. . . they all play a part in that equation.

BUT . . . they don't play the central role.

The central role is relationship. I can't focus on relationship (with my spouse, my children, my friends, my community), if I'm constantly listening for my phone to "ping" or for my email to "ding". Sometimes that Ding or Ping helps create a  bridge to community, children, friends, spouse . . . but a lot of times (most of the time?) it destroys that bridge.

Today I met with a dear friend and talked about the details of the service to honor and remember her husband. The father of her children.

Today I took Halle out to the "big backyard" and pushed her on the swing for 20 minutes.

Today I took Dylan to Target and rode the cart like a scooter and held his hand and skiped through the aisles and talked about STDs. (It's Sex Ed week at school!)

Today I was so proud of Halle as she conquered her fear of the dentist and got X-Rays and fluoride and an exam with minimal tears.

Today I basically decided that the pediatrician could piss off (she determined that allergy testing wasn't important and that we might never know what caused Halle's severe reaction on Monday).

Today I was relived that we already have an appointment with the allergist.

Today I Photoshopped a photo to include with an obituary.

Today I decided that along with annual exams? The doctor should require a simple (yet high resolution)  head shot. Photoshopping the ferry background out of an obituary photo will make you consider such policies!

Today I promised my daughter that I would read her two books a day. No excuses.

Today I cracked up (outloud) at Modern Family.

Today I made plans (via text) to spend a day with Halle's Godmother.

All of these meanderings lead me to what's at the center.

FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

I'm focusing. How can technology help me work towards the center? How can it distract me from my dream? Ironicaly? It all comes back to my "One Word" words . . . BALANCE and WHOLENESS. Bring it.

Although. let's be clear, Balance and Wholeness aside . . . I'm damn good at creating  an obituary photo from a snapshot taken on the ferry. If necessary.

Stick a Fork in Me . . .

I'm done. Done, people. Done with a capitol D!

Dylan went back to school this morning. (Amen.) After sleeping through his alarm. 

Halle also went to school this morning. 

I went to work this morning. After sending Halle off to school with John. After dropping off my car at the dealership for service. (And after successfully negotiating a deal to quasi-make-up-for the bad info we received about our Acadia's tow capacity when we bought it. I.E., we were told twice, both times quite clearly, that it had a tow capacity of 4,500 pounds. Sadly, Stella, as I have named her, can only tow 2,000 pounds. Which is much less than our tent trailer.) 

This was John's first Monday with no clinical hours. Amen. Thankfully. And oh, dear, God; we barely made it through this last semester! This was really the highlight of my day. My week! We even ate lunch together!

I worked today. John ran errands. The children do whatever it is that they do at school. ;-)

At 2:40, John dropped me off at Dylan's school to interview one of our principal candidates. At 2:49 I missed a call from Halle's school. At 2:50, I excused myself and listened to the message which stated, "Hi Amy. This isn't an emergency, but please call me ASAP." I tried to call the school and couldn't get through. I then got a second message that said, "Halle seems to be having a reaction of some kind, she has facial swelling, but she's fine. She's not having any difficulty breathing. Please call us, ASAP." Again, I couldn't through to the school. I called John and told him to just go get her. That she was having a reaction of some kid and having facial swelling.

His first statement? "They need to call 911." I told him to try and call and tell them that because I couldn't reach them.

I was sure he was over-reacting. In an experienced ER nurse kinda way. I went back into the interview. And apologized for how distracted I was. I called the school again and they told me that John was there and all was fine. I finished the interview. I completed the evaluation form. I went and collected Dylan from the office. And then we went out to find John. Who was coming to pick us up. When I couldn't find him? I called. I assumed he would say he was in the parking lot or on the other street.

Nope. He was at an emergent care clinic with Halle. And they were injecting her with epinephrine.

So help me, my heart stopped.

I stumbled around for a minute, then found us a ride to the clinic. (Thank you, Margaret!)

When we got there, made our way to the back and opened the door? I gasped. I caught my breath. I choked on a sob. The swollen little face that was looking at me? Was almost unrecognizable. And John's first words were, "you should have seen her before the epi-pen".

Sigh. I just trudged through a 13 day battle with a horrific virus/strep for Dylan. I was gearing up, not for anything amazing, but just to catch up. Catch. Up.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to get my hair done. As petty as it seems? It's kind of important. To my self esteem. To the idea that folks will look at my beautiful hair color versus my need for a tummy-tuck. And lipo. And, well . . . a breast-lift, if anyone is counting. 

So tomorrow? I will get my hairs did. With Halle by my side. Probably watching the Fresh Beat Band on my iPad. After a night of waking every hour or more often to check for facial edema (or swelling, for us laymen) and respiratory distress.

Really, who needs a decent night's sleep, anyway?

This is my girl AFTER the epinephrine. I'm pretty sure it was a good thing (or a God thing) that I didn't see her before. 

Embracing May . . .

That's what I've decided to do. Yeah, there's some tough stuff going on, but, the good news is that after May? Comes June. And June is usually pretty darn good! But between now and then, I'm going to focus on my 1,000 gifts journaling. In fact, I'm going to re-start at #1. Right now.

1. Blowing bubbles with my kiddos in the backyard last night.

2. Squishing all of us onto the hammock - including the dog!

3. The warm sunshine on my shoulders as I sit outside typing this.

4. The yummy scent of someone's lunch - and the knowledge that mine is coming and will taste as good as theirs smells!

5. The perfect flavors of a Tea Bar bowl . . . brown rice, lettuce, steak, avocado and a creamy teriaki sauce.

6. Lunch with a friend.

7. Working efficiently today. Between numerous appointments, I find myself in various coffee and tea houses, using their wireless and avaoiding driving back across town, only to have to leave again.

8. Halle's excitement at her upcoming sleepover at her friend's. She is downright giddy!

9. Allergy meds.

10. Picking up Dylan a little early. He's still not feeling great, but had standardized testing this morning. So when I finish with my lunch? I'll be picking him up. (Also efficient, as I've been downtown this entire time!)

See? Even in the midst of the weariness that threatens to overtake me, I can find so many moments of gratitude. Recognizing those moments are the true gift.

OK, Let's Just Skip to June Already . . .

And yes, I know . . . it's not even officially May yet! 

Every. Single. Year. I. Feel. Like. This.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm under-functioning. I'm melancholy. I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm hating work. I'm overwhelmed.

Did I mention that I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Anyway . . . 

I don't know what to do about daycare this summer. We currently have Halle signed up for preschool on Tuesday and Wednesday. But preschool starts at 8:45. Sharp. Let's be honest . . . that's hard for me to make during the winter, let alone during the summer! But last summer, I hired Dylan to watch his sister. Um, yeah. That didn't work. At all. So I'm confused. Unsure. Stressed. And bejiggetty. 

Kindergarten is also stressing me out. Of course, Halle is going to Dylan's school. Of course she is. But it hasn't stopped me from touring our neighborhood Kindergarten program and looking at our two local private school programs.

Neither of my kids feel particularly well. Allergies? Or a virus? Hard to say at this point. But I'm ready to fast-forward over that too!

Work. Ugh. Work. can't say more than that, but really . . . work . . . ugh! 

Politics. Both those that I work with (thus the aforementioned ugh) and the local political plays that are plaguing us. Like our closest fire station being closed until July 1. Pending funding. Political ridiculousness at it's worst.

Money. I am ready to win the lottery. Just saying. (And no . . . I don't play it, so my chances are pretty much zip!)

My husband. God-love him. I'm super worried about him. He's three weeks from finishing his hardest semester for his Master's program. And he's hanging by the thinnest of threads to have enough clinical hours. He missed eight clinical hours today to spend time with his Uncle. Which is so important. But I'm worried about him. So stinkin' worried.

Laundry. Dishes. Bills. Dirty floors. A dog that keeps hacking and coughing like there is something wrong with him (=$$$$ at the vet). No vacation plans for the summer. A daughter who is terrified of her pending dentist appointment. Family that is close but not a part of our daily support system. Or even weekly (or monthly) for that matter. A lot of crap.

It's a lot of real life stuff, I guess. Real life. It's good. Really. 

Just overwhelming at this exact moment.

Did I mention that I'm feeling overwhelmed?

Um, Yeah . . .

anyone want to run away with me? I am beyond ready to move my family to some island where we run a bicycle rental shop. Or wait . . . bicycles can be complicated. Let's go with beach umbrellas and floating islands. Maybe a kayak or two for the busy season. Seriously. If I had my family and some way to connect with my friends? (I think they'd come and visit. Especially if we offered them a discount on cabanas and kayaks.) I'd be good. I could home-school. Raise chickens and hopefully trade tourist rentals for some bread? John could be the village doctor? Yep . . . bring it!

Today was actually a lovely day. Halle had a playdate with her bestie. They got along beautifully. They had a sack race, an egg hunt, a snack lunch, played in the sandbox, swam in the hot tub . . . and Lord knows what else! 

But work-wise? Ugh. That's all I can say. (But really . . . major UGH!)

Moving on . . . 

We had a great Easter. We made it to church, which was grand. Fabulous sermon. Good music. It was crazy-crowded. My theory is this: we have a traditional sanctuary and a movie theatre that is used for the alternative service. On Easter, in particular (and Christmas, too); people tend to desire and crave the more traditional environment. Giving folks an option? Is not going to work. Your traditional services are going to be packed. Your alternative (movie theatre) services are not going to be packed. If you want to fit more people in, just take away the traditional option. Make people fit into 2-3 services at the movie theatre. Period. The end. No options.

After church, we had a traditional Beadle family blow-out. (Why do we tend to fight on holidays and vacations?)

Then some of us went and egg-hunted with some of our amazing friends.

Once home, I worked in the yard. John joined me. (AKA, reconciliation.) I seeded a bunch of wildflowers and planted a small tree and a small bush. And some ground cover. John mowed and trimmed and blowed. (Nothing dirty here . . .  this was real yard work . . . no euphemisms!)

Going back even farther, we had a delightful Saturday. I yard-saled (shocker!) and scored a picnic basket and some new tights for Halle. (A local kids' store went out of business and they were trying to sell off more stock via their neighborhood yard sale. I was slightly irritated when I got home and realized that I actualy paid about 75% of retail value, not 75% OFF. Irritating!) I cleaned up the house and then headed out to my Mom's to BBQ and egg hunt. Once we returned, John and I left again to celebrate one of my very bestest friend's birthdays. Monk's (and the company) was delightful!

Even before Saturday? Friday was a good day too! I got a lot done. I finished our 2011 photobook (only four month into 2012). I took some senior portraits for a lovely young lady. And we enjoyed some long-awaited time and some delicious Tong Fong Low with good friends around our fire pit. 

It's all (mostly) good. He is risen, indeed.

Now to get through this week. That has been a bit of a common theme for me of late, hasn't it? Getting through. Surviving. Waiting on the calendar to move past a certain date or event.

I will, however, say that regardless of the crap? (And there is a bit of it?) I am embracing the moments that come every day. Thankfully. The snuggles with my girl, the banter with my boy and yes, the connection with my husband. Good days or not. 

Now let's hurry and get to, say . . . June 15th. It'll be easier by then.

Right?

Processing . . .

Dylan and I headed out to pick up my dear Gram today. She'd been visiting my Aunt in Covelo for the last week.

Dylan and I had a ton of fun on our drive over. We played What Would You Rather, had some good conversations, did a little dancing, a fair amount of singing and Lord knows what else. We have fun in the car together.

And then we picked up GG. She wasn't doing so hot. She had a cold. And wasn't doing well at all. She was weak . . . and getting weaker by the moment.

She slept the entire way home. (3 hours.) When she was awake, she tried to take a drink of water and the water literally fell out of her mouth. She was slurring. I found myself on Bayliss Blue Gum Road, unsure if I should call 911 or just keep on going. 

I kept on going.

I tried to bring her home. But she couldn't get out of the car. She was too weak and couldn't bear weight . . . any weight at all. So I took her to her GP. But I couldn't get her out of the car. Still. Her doctor was going to come out and look at her in the car, but I didn't feel like I could wait those 15-20 minutes. So I ended up at the ER, which is where I should have taken her from the beginning.

After waiting for what seemed like forever, a transport team finally showed up to help me get her out of the car. It took one big strong man to actually lift her from the front seat into the wheelchair.

When we got to triage? She didn't know what month it was. Or what time of day. Or why she was there. She didn't know who the President was.

Long story short? I thought she had a stroke. All signs pointed to that, but no . . . no signs of a stroke in her CT. Instead, it seems that she has an infection. Somewhere. She has a minor UTI. She has congestion in her lungs. Neither seem to be such significant infections to explain the confusion, fatigue and sudden (and horrific) decline. She went from walking independently yesterday to requiring a lift team today. She went from acting like she was 70 to suddenly appearing every one of her 95 years.

She's so disoriented that I am fearful as to what would happen if she tried to get out of bed. So I'm headed to the hospital to spend some time on her loveseat. Sleep be damned. I need to be there. 

Please pray for my Gram. (GG to my kiddos.) She is 95 and an amazing woman. She lives independently. She is my role-model for about 90%  of everything that I strive to be. I love her beyond measure. I tear up and bawl at the thought of losing her. I know that she doesn't want to linger. She would much prefer to have a short and sweet exit to her long and abundant life. 

But man, we would miss her. I am not done having her my life. My kids are not either. We selfishly want her to stick around a bit longer. So my prayers have been for what I want . . . I want my Gram to be well and whole and live abundantly. For a lot longer. But the truth is? She is 95. She has a lot of life under her belt. And I have never . . . really, truly never see her this sick.

Please, please, please . . . 

It's Monday, For Sure . . .

We didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night. Dylan was very uncomfortable. Which means that I didn't sleep a whole lot. Because Dylan slept in our room. John slept in Dylan's room. Halle slept in her room  . . . but she was up at 6:00. (What's up with the early rising this week, anyway?) Considering that I didn't really medicate Dylan until 2:30? We are all tired. Just really tired.

At our orthopedic appointment today, they recommended that Dylan go into surgery to correct the break. They would have taken him in this afternoon, but I fed him at 10:00 am. (Whoops.) They looked at the x-ray and their next question was, "when was the last time you're eaten?" and I thought, "oh, crap". The idea of surgery wasn't even mentioned at our clinic visit last night. So I was surprised. (As was John, who is usually three steps ahead of all of us in these types of situations!) Since he had eaten at 10:00 and their last surgical slot was at 4:00, he didn't meet that 8 hour "no food per mouth" requirement for anesthesia. So Wednesday it is. Wednesday at 7:30 am to be exact.

Ugh. Y'all know about my issues/fear of anesthesia. Add into it my fear issues with protecting my kids? Double ugh. Needless to say, I'll be praying a lot this week. (I actually am assured that he will be fine.)

I've cancelled my travel plans for work this week. John is trying to re-schedule his military commitment for this weekend. I've let Dylan's teachers know that he'll be out for most of the week.

Amazing how quickly we re-prioritize.

(Excellent bagging job by John. Lots of plastic and tape. So glad that they will be putting a water-proof cast on him. Showers are good. Remember that.)

Praying for our boy. Praying that we all get rest. Praying that this week all comes together and I can get my work done and Dylan doesn't get too far behind and John manages and Halle just keeps on trucking. Or something like that. Amen.

Spoke Too Soon . . .

Our weekend wasn't quite wrapped up. At 8:00 pm we got the call that Dylan had fallen back on his wrist during BBall practice and that they were bringing him down (from Paradise) because they thought it might be broken. I talked to a Mom-friend-the-Coach's-wife, who talked to her Mom-friend that was actually transporting our son and relayed information to John as I heard it. He went out to meet them on the road and to take Dylan into Prompt Care.

I put Halle to bed and then called on the lovely Mindy F. to have her come stay with Halle. By the time I got to the clinic? They were splinting him! It pays off that John works per diem in a lot of these locations! He definitely fractured his left radius. His wrist and hand are immensely swollen. We'll see the orthopedist tomorrow or the next day and get him casted.

Ugh.

It isn't a big deal in the larger scheme of things. It wasn't a head injury. It's not his writing hand. It's not his leg (crutches are such a pain). And he'll heal. But he won't be playing AAU basketball. Which is a bummer. 

Ah, buddy . . . I'm sorry. It's easier to handle this now than when you were only two. But it's still hard to see you in pain.