Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Distracted . . .

Sometimes I need to just check out . . . 

and browse Pinterest:

or try and find the perfect wrap dress:

Or browse this week's new real estate listings:

And study scripture relating to fear. And praying. (See, I'm not totally checked out!)

And possibly enter (again) to win the HGTV Dream Home. You know, just in case. (Hey, my heritage ruled in Utah, so this cast-off Mormon girl would gladly move to Utah.) For that particular home, anyway!

And maybe watch 3-7(?) episodes of House Hunters and House Hunters International. Just keeping it real, people!

And now, in the ultimate act of escape . . . I am just going to bed. At this point (11:20 pm), I have done all of the above. Plus, wisely, I've taken my meds so that I can sleep all night. Por favor. Which leads us to sleep. SLEEP!

Nightmares . . .

I claim to be a very faithful woman. And I am. Really. I believe wholeheartedly in God, Jesus, salvation, grace . . . the whole deal!

But (and this is a big but) . . . 

I struggle with fear and anxiety. Enough that I am fairly reliant on an anti-anxiety medication to get good sleep. (And to fly, but that's a whole other post!)

Specifically, I struggle with the fear of (a) losing one of my children, (b) losing my husband, or (c) dying before my children are grown and seemingly beyond needing me. A lot of my fears tend to be in regard to cars and traveling. It's totally a loss of control kinda thing. I am totally willing to admit this. (For example, as much as I want to stay home and recuperate next weekend instead of travel to Reno? I am aftraid that if I don't go, that John and the kids will be in an accident. Yes. I really am that jacked up.)

I struggle with balancing this fear with my faith. Enough that when I am truly honest in my prayers? I beg God to not challenge my faith by making one of these things happen. Which is incredibly odd given that I believe in a God who represents grace, mercy, kindness and love. Not vengeance. Yet the fact that bad/scary/hurtful/hard things happen often, seemingly keeps this fear alive and well in me.

Yesterday, a friend from junior high and high school was killed in an early-morning car accident. Kelly was a mom and wife. She leaves behind a son and daughter . . . a husband . . . an extended family . . . and an entire community. She was one of those people who laughs the loudest. Someone who finds the joy in the everyday. Someone who took risks and lived. Someone who made mistakes along the way (like all of us) but who lived fully. Someone who loved and laughed and who was loved in return.

And just like that, on an icy road, early in the morning . . . she is gone.

It's my nightmare come true for her family.

And I am sad. I am anxious. I am tired. 

I made the stupid error of not taking my meds last night. (Lame.) I slept until 3:00 this morning, when I awoke to a very scary nightmare and that was it. I was up. John had to drive to Travis AF Base at 5:00 this morning. I spent those two hours clinging to him and begging him (silently while he was asleep . . . audibly once he woke up,) to be careful and to watch out for fog and to so-help-me-God ignore his phone and concentrate on driving safely.

Fear overtook me. And I hate that. It feels like such an overwhelming weakness. I feel like my faith isn't strong enough. I feel like I should be stronger than that. Better than that. But I'm not. And that's just me being 100% (possibly 150%) honest.

Needless to say, John made it to the base safely. Thankfully.

I'm just really, really sad for Kelly's family. What a sad and senseless loss. Please keep them in your prayers. The idea of her children growing up without their Mama is beyond sad and senseless. 

Kelly is in the middle of the back row, turned and talking (laughing) to the person beside of her. Typical. Too busy laughing to stop, even for the camera. I have a ton of photos of she and I, but this is the only one that I easily found on my external hard drive. Guess I need to add a few more photos to the pike of "to-be-scanned".  I really wish it wasn't for such a sad reason.

Scanner Fail . . .

sorry! It's silly really. I could probably figure it out. But I haven't.

In other news  . . . 

the non-hooked-up-scanner issue did remind me that I bought a Groupon item several months ago that entitles me to send in 1000 photos and have them scanned and returned as digital items. Problem solved! Packaging those bad-boys up as we speak!

At Dylan's basketball game on Tuesday, we played a faith-based school. They didn't play out their faith. Let's just go with that as an accurate description (and I won't detail out the technical fouls they incurred or the nasty things they yelled as we won). It made me really sad. (And proud of how our boys handled themselves :))

I'm supposed to go to Reno with my family next weekend. To visit John's family. (His mom and step-dad are coming out from Texas to visit his sister in Reno.) I am feeling really anxious about the whole deal. I am worried that it will be too much, that I'll be too tired and ultimately, it will be too stressful. As it stands right now, recovery-wise, I still have (and need) a lot of down-time. At home. In bed. On the couch. The idea of driving to Reno (3 hours), staying in John's sister's house with everyone there, sharing a room with John, Dylan and Halle, etc., . . . scares the crap out of me! I am feeling very conflicted between expressing what I think is best for me (staying home) and doing what will make John happy. I don't want to disappoint him. I'm just worried about the energy it will take. And if I have enough energy to do it yet.

My BFF is visiting friends in Colorado this week. Including a man-friend. I'm missing her a lot. I can't wait to hear about her fun trip! Over Prosecco, preferably :) Speaking of BFFs . . . our (now) annual Girls' trip is coming up at the end of this month . . . hello, Ritz Carlton, Half Moon Bay! There will definitely be some Prosecco on that trip!

Today, I am on an organizing binge. Well, to be more specific, I'm thinking about organizing. That's almost as good as doing it right? Check out my DVD project:

(In alphabetical order . . . getting there!)

By tomorrow (or the end of the weekend, realistically) all of those DVDs will be in these bins with the paperwork in these binders:

Yeah . . . probably not by tomorrow. I lost patience after the first 30. We have a lot of DVDs to go! 

That's a lot of random chit chat! I think I'm done for now!

 

 

Thirteen . . .

Years 6 through yesterday . . . 






Tomorrow . . . I swear that John will hook up the scanner (right, honey?) and then I will have birthday photos 0-5. And then you will be stunned, along with me as to how quickly the time has gone, how immensely our lives have changed (for the better) and how big/old/amazing/smart/blessed my boy is! Happy 13th birthday, (not-so) baby boy!

P.S., if you have any thoughts as to borrowing these photos and claiming that they are yours/your boy? Piss off. And don't even think about it. I will bury you in the depths of your lies, injustice, blatant falsehoods and ridiculous detachment. Just saying.

Ignoring the Obvious . . .

I am now the parent of a teenager. It is seemingly impossible, so I am chosing to ignore that my baby boy is now much more man than child. At least ignore it for a moment or two (or blog post or two more)!

We rung in the New Year with friends, fun and ease:

and tequilla, sparkling cider, Prosecco, silly string, Just Dance 3 and the hot tub. (Just covering our bases!)

I even manged to pull together some (slightly better than what I threw out there the other day) goals/statements/reflections/jibberash/assorted bits of life:

31 December 2011

Name: Amy

Age: 37 (I actually had to figure that out!)

Favorite Color: Chartreuse

Favorite Meal: the Nick’s Grill at 5^th Street

Favorite Activity: Hanging with my Family

Favorite Book: The Help

Favorite TV Show: Parenthood

Three Most Played Songs on my iPod: I See the Light (Tangled Soundtrack), Hosanna (Bob Singleton Kids) and Great Big God (Little Angels) . . . all are obviously Halle’s. My actually Top 3 are Marry Me (Train), I Will Follow (Chris Tomlin) and Fairest Lord Jesus (Ross Parsley) which show up as numbers 5, 11 and 13, with more of Halle’s songs in between. Yes, I’m a Mom.

Greatest Lesson Learned in 2011: A lot of people willing to make small gestures individually can make a very large impact together

Hardest Thing of 2011: Time Management, Calendars and Schedules, Oh My!

Favorite Memory of 2011: Our trip to Hawaii . . . super-relaxing, nothing crazy, but lots of downtime, beautiful weather, good food, great company . . . sand, sunshine, warm water and my family . . . there’s nothing better!

What I Loved Most About 2011: Learning to live in the moments as they came, whether I expected them or not. Being more at peace with the present instead of focusing on what’s to come. Really feeling like I have come into my own and liking who I am, although I certainly still have faults to work on!

In 2012 I Want to Learn: Calligraphy and Guitar

In 2012 I Want to Get Better at: Being more active and making healthier choices

In 2012 I Want to Do More: Camping and Hiking

My Biggest Goal for 2012 is: To go deeper in relationships, in conversations and with my intentions.

Happy New Year!

How lucky am I to have this man to kiss at midnight? Blessed, am I, indeed! even if we are covered in silly string.