Nightmares . . .

I claim to be a very faithful woman. And I am. Really. I believe wholeheartedly in God, Jesus, salvation, grace . . . the whole deal!

But (and this is a big but) . . . 

I struggle with fear and anxiety. Enough that I am fairly reliant on an anti-anxiety medication to get good sleep. (And to fly, but that's a whole other post!)

Specifically, I struggle with the fear of (a) losing one of my children, (b) losing my husband, or (c) dying before my children are grown and seemingly beyond needing me. A lot of my fears tend to be in regard to cars and traveling. It's totally a loss of control kinda thing. I am totally willing to admit this. (For example, as much as I want to stay home and recuperate next weekend instead of travel to Reno? I am aftraid that if I don't go, that John and the kids will be in an accident. Yes. I really am that jacked up.)

I struggle with balancing this fear with my faith. Enough that when I am truly honest in my prayers? I beg God to not challenge my faith by making one of these things happen. Which is incredibly odd given that I believe in a God who represents grace, mercy, kindness and love. Not vengeance. Yet the fact that bad/scary/hurtful/hard things happen often, seemingly keeps this fear alive and well in me.

Yesterday, a friend from junior high and high school was killed in an early-morning car accident. Kelly was a mom and wife. She leaves behind a son and daughter . . . a husband . . . an extended family . . . and an entire community. She was one of those people who laughs the loudest. Someone who finds the joy in the everyday. Someone who took risks and lived. Someone who made mistakes along the way (like all of us) but who lived fully. Someone who loved and laughed and who was loved in return.

And just like that, on an icy road, early in the morning . . . she is gone.

It's my nightmare come true for her family.

And I am sad. I am anxious. I am tired. 

I made the stupid error of not taking my meds last night. (Lame.) I slept until 3:00 this morning, when I awoke to a very scary nightmare and that was it. I was up. John had to drive to Travis AF Base at 5:00 this morning. I spent those two hours clinging to him and begging him (silently while he was asleep . . . audibly once he woke up,) to be careful and to watch out for fog and to so-help-me-God ignore his phone and concentrate on driving safely.

Fear overtook me. And I hate that. It feels like such an overwhelming weakness. I feel like my faith isn't strong enough. I feel like I should be stronger than that. Better than that. But I'm not. And that's just me being 100% (possibly 150%) honest.

Needless to say, John made it to the base safely. Thankfully.

I'm just really, really sad for Kelly's family. What a sad and senseless loss. Please keep them in your prayers. The idea of her children growing up without their Mama is beyond sad and senseless. 

Kelly is in the middle of the back row, turned and talking (laughing) to the person beside of her. Typical. Too busy laughing to stop, even for the camera. I have a ton of photos of she and I, but this is the only one that I easily found on my external hard drive. Guess I need to add a few more photos to the pike of "to-be-scanned".  I really wish it wasn't for such a sad reason.

Comments

[Debra Calkins]

Amy, you inspire me and I love that you are a true women of God. Loving and Praying for your friend and her family.

[Pam Willis]

What a beautiful tribute to your friend. I did not know her but her mom (Chris)use to live next to my daughter...she is so sad for her and the rest of the family...

[pina]

Amy, thanks for sharing, you are not alone.
Let's keep fighting. He is the Prince of Peace!

[Heather D.]

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. :(