Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Ho Hum . . .

You know the rule, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all?

Yeah. That.

But its my blog and so sometimes I get to break the rules.

It's hard to be a mom/wife and recover in your own home. It's hard because I feel overwhelmed at how much there always is to be done. And frustrated that no one else seems to be able to see it and/or do it! And John is frustrated with me because he doesn't think that I notice the things that he DOES do . . . only the things that he misses. While that is not actually true, it's hard for me to acknowledge him for what he is doing, when I do it all the pickin' time! 

Arrrgghhhhhh!

John and Dylan are headed out to Dylan's basketball tournament. I'm sad that I can't go. Although I'm sure that John is eager to leave my company. Our Shannon came up to help me out with Sis, and Auntie Karissa is going to come and keep us company also. But I am feeling conflicted and overwhelmed and a little annoyed.

I'm going to go take a nap. More later! (Maybe even more NICE later!)

Hours later . . . 

Yes, I woke up nicer. I also apologized to my husband. Now I'm going to bed for real.

 

Post-op . . .

Ah, the marvels of modern medicine! I went to the surgery center at 8:00 yesterday morning and was home by 2:00 pm! Sans my uterus, ovaries and some endometriosis. Crazy!

I was a hysterical mess before they put me out, but man, they were awesome with me. My best friends called me and prayed with me over the phone. Then my pre-op nurse stopped the gurney on my way into the operating room to pray for me. Then my entire surgical team laid hands on me and prayed for me! It made me feel so protected and covered. The spinal wasn't as bad as I had feared and within moments after feeling my legs go numb, they put me out!

Apparently my left tube and ovary had somehow fused itself to my bowel wall (??) or something like that, which is why I have been in so much pain. It also encouraged me that this surgery was absolutely the right thing to do.

As for now, I am set up in bed, with every possible electronic device known to man. 

Thank you God (and Al Gore . . . ha!) for the Internet. I am loving this!

Surgery Day . . .

Is anyone ever 100% ready to do this? Because I'd say I'm 98% of the way there. That gives me about three hours to get that last 2%. Or they can just put me under and call it good enough - which is the most likely way this is going to happen!

(I've never realized how much I enjoy my tall glass of ice water every morning. Until now. When I can't have it!)

I was doing pretty OK, obsessively cleaning and organizing obscure drawers and closet shelves; and then John came in and wanted to talk. He wanted to know if I was sure this was the right thing to do.

WHAT? Seriously? The day before? After we've been talking about it for eighteen months? After it's been on the surgery center books for almost five months? Aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhh!

And yes, although there is that fairytale part of me, that part that where I have four children and don't have a job outside the home and my uterus never gives me so much as a cramp, let alone the crap it's been doing . . . but that part isn't the reality.

The reality is, we are not having any more biological children. If we have an opportunity that presents itself at some point in the future to have another child by a different means? That will certainly be a consideration.

But this tired, boggy, endometriosis-filled uterus is done. Along with her pissed-of cohorts, my cyst-making, non-hormone balancing ovaries.

Peace out, peeps! See you on the other side of my spinal (yikes!) and my general anaesthesia and hopefully well-into some quality post-op pain management.

(And yes, my flippancy and sarcasm are covers for tension and nervousness and a wee bit of anxiety.)

But it's all going to be be good. Of that I have faith.

Monday Photo Dump . . .

Please?

Well, whooohooooo, look at that!

Top to bottom, left to right. (1) Dylan and his late lunch. Who taught that boy about good food and where are they when the bill comes? (2) Our Shannon's wedding announcements that I finally ordered and sent to her. Can't wait for her to send me my official announcement! (3-7) Our Friday trip to Roseville and our ongoing quest for the perfect (and free!) fake furs to wear to girls' weekend. And maybe some fake hair to go with that fake fur? Please? (8) The reindeer games that didn't happen. Damn staked-down deer! 

As for today, I am in an organizing frenzy. I am ripping clothes out of closets and making piles and doing obscure laundry and cleaning out drawers and drinking chai tea by the gallon. It's surgical nesting at it's best!

Tomorrow, 9:00 am(ish), keep me in your prayers, yes? I'm a bit of a nervous wreck, but am certain that all will be well. But I'll never turn down prayers and positive thoughts, so bring 'em, please!

Weekend Wrap-up . . .

and still no photos! Typepad hates me and all my .jpeg images right now. Every time I try and upload a file, it tells me that it's an invalid file. Really? If it's so invalid, why does it work on everything but my blog? Arrgggghhh!

So anyway, the weekend without photos went something like this . . . 

My Friday, aka the Official Day of Denial, went something like this: KJ and I got a chai tea latte (me) and a mocha (her) and headed out of town. We hit Homegoods by 10:00, yet left with nothing. Shocking, I know. I walked around with several things in my cart, but ultimately decided that (a) it wasn't a good time to start buying gifts for people that I don't typically exchange gifts with and (b), even it was a good idea, buying large (difficult to pack and store) Christmas decor is a shoddy idea at best. We continued onto Nordstrom, where I proceeded to do all of my WT returns (broken sunglasses, too-big jeans and a really, really ugly old-lady purse). KJ was a little embarrassed. 

Then we strolled through the mall, stopping to buy some yummy skincare at Origins and some more skincare goodies at the Body Shop. Sadly? I don't know that we bought anything else at the mall! We briefly caught up with my Aunt and cousin, then we ate lunch (yum!) at the Cheesecake Factory. We headed across the street to the fancy shops (Fountains) where I coerced KJ into spending a lot of money at White House, Black Market. I browsed through Anthropologie and bought nothing. (I know. I was shocked too!) We hit up Ulta and Ann Taylor Loft, earning the stin- eye in both stores. Apparently they don't like it when you try on fake hair extensions and/or fake fur vests, jackets and wraps. Especially while taking photos of said products and clearly mocking them. Whoops!

Our last stop was my major attempt to buy a 14 foot trampoline for a family Christmas gift, only to find out that they had been recalled. The day before. Needless to say, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that one!

Friday night we laid low and watched a movie. Or a part of one. (Crazy Stupid Love.) Once again we started a movie rented from iTunes and failed to finish watching it within the 24-hour cut-off. What can I say . . . movies make me tired!

On Saturday morning, Dylan and I worked at a school fundraiser. Then I met up with my Mom and helped her start AND finish her Christmas shopping for our family. Then I did a couple of quick photoshoots. John and I ended the day by heading out with our good friends to dinner at the Pour House (yum) and a movie (New Year's Eve). We ended up back at the Pour House for one last cocktail, then headed out to prank some friends. (Yes, we are that immature!) Sadly for us, they must have known we were coming. Otherwise, why else would you secure your light-up reindeer so firmly into place?

Today, we actually made it to church, with only one major meltdown along the way. (Record!) After church, I hit the grocery stoe to make an extreme taco dinner for John's fmaily. It turned out, however, that John's dad had a major allergic reaction to our kitten, so out to dinner we went. At least I know what we are having tomorrow. And for the next several days!

Now my house is quiet. John's family has returned home. Dylan has been up a few times to tell me that he doesn't feel well and Halle keeps rolling into the wall and/or falling off her bed. John just told me how important it was that I got sufficient rest before my surgery. Ha! Good luck with that one! 

All Over the Board (Still) . . .

I'm feeling more stable over the last day or so. I've only teared up minimally each day. Versus the big 'ole ugly cry I did while blogging the other night. Geez. 

But today is what we call, "Day of Denial". I am headed off to Roseville with my forever friend and sister-wife (not really, lest you wonder) for a day of surgical denial. I'm going to exchange a really ugly purse, some broken sunglasses (hoping to) and a pair of jeans that the saleswoman swore wouldn't stretch out so to buy them larger. Um yeah, that didn't work. Word to the wise? Big Star Hazel jeans are awesome if you've got a booty and hips like mine, but they stretch waaaaaaayyyyyy out within two minutes of wearing them. God bless Nordstrom and their amazing tendency to return almost anything they sell you!

We are going to have a drink with our lunch. We are going to browse. I'm going to find lots of cute things for her to buy. I'm going to find some slippers, since I wore my last pair into the ER last weekend. (Ew. Those hit the trash!) We are going to talk and laugh and enjoy each other. And that is how I am choosing to be in denial that today is surgery is soon-coming. Plus, if I'm out of town, I can send John to pick up my post-op medications and live in even further denial!

Our Random Acts of Chico Kindness group got covered by the local news. They covered one of our RACKs yesterday and will film one of my Dad's today. The piece should air Tuesday night, which will be really fun. We're shifting gears into free or almost-free RACKs this week, since we managed to spend a fair amount last week. I think we'll visit a care home, hang some Christmas lights, deliver some treats and bring in some trash cans to start. I'll do some photo mini-session giveaways as well.

As for a Friday phone, dump, I've got nothing! My phone is telling me that I don't exist at the moment. I need to figure out iCloud and fast, it would appear! 

All Over the Board . . .

To say that I feel close to losing my mind is not an understatement at the moment.

In one week, I am having my "woman surgery". To be more 21st century about it, let's call it what it really is: a laparoscopic assisted hysterectomy and bilateral oopherectomy. Otherwise know as, "goodbye baby-making parts of me!" I had my pre-op yesterday. And I didn't cry. (I was pretty proud of myself, but wait . . . I'm crying now.)

In the my ideal world? I would have 4-5 children. I love, love, love being a Mom. It is the very best part of my life. But, in reality, two kids is the best fit for our family. If our timing was different, then maybe I would feel otherwise. And maybe someday we will adopt. But it's very different to say "we're done having any more biological children" and "oh please, doctor, render me forever-unable to bear more children".

I am a little sad today. So bear with me.

I love my husband dearly. But he always has something in the works. He is very goal oriented and very committed to lots of great things. Which is a good thing. He will always be looking onto the next goal. Which means, that when it comes to raising our kids? I can feel kind of alone at times. Which is the main reason why I'm done. If we were to do it again, I would need  to know that John would be there to really 100% partner with me. Physically, emotionally, time-wise . . . the whole works. And I don't want to have to balance a fulltime career and another child. To be clear, I'm probably longing for something that only exists in my fantasies. I'm aware of that, really.

So we're done.

I'll never have that nervous excitement when I test positive on  a pregnany test. I'll never feel the disbelief when my pants can't zip up at 6 weeks. I will never experience the amazing miracle of pregnancy again. I will not be able to birth another baby. Ever again.

And it makes me really sad. (And I can acknowledge my own selfishness in this . . . having countless friends who have never been able to sustain a pregnancy or carry their own biological children.)

Yet, I know my surgery is the right decision. How many cysts will they have to surgically remove? How many sections of endometriosis will they have to deal with? How many fibroids should be questioned as pre-cancerous? How many????

This many.

So excuse my tears. I'm stepping away and going to focus on my two miracle children and feel gratefulness overwhelm me with how blessed that we are.

I just needed to acknowledge that I am sad. I am grieving. Grieving what (who) might have been.

Friday Phone Dump . . .

ya, ya . . . I know. But still, I have the photos up, so it's better than nothing!

From left to right, top to bottom:

(1) and (2) My veggie soup (pre-cooking) and in the bowl. I ate a lot of that soup last week!

(3) Halle wearing her PJs, Gillian-style. Otherwise know as backwards :)

(4) and (5) Dylan's basketball game against Marsh A-team, with 2 minutes out and just before their hard-won victory.

(6) Dylan celebrating in his new robe with a glass of sparkling cider. 

(7) Why is there always such a huge long line at In 'n Out? It's insane! Anytime of day!

(8) Hello Christmas. Thanks for throwing up all over my house!

(9) And hello to you too, wind. Thanks for blowing down our fence! John loved having one more thing to do on Friday!

Not On My Bucket List . . .

But I did it anyway. I took my first ride in an ambulance. Can I just say that there were lots of reasons why it would have never made my bucket list? 

Long story short, I most likely had a kidney stone. I woke up early Saturday morning pretty uncomfortable. TMI, I know, but I assumed that I had the world's  largest gas bubble.  But it quickly progressed from me being uncomfortable to being in excruciating pain. I could stand up, I couldn't straighten my legs, I couldn't catch my breath.

I thought that maybe, quite possibly, that I was going to die. It was like back labor, but without the impending birth of a child!

John was down at the base and not answering his phone. I was alone with my sleeping kids. I called my Mom and asked her to come over and figured that we'd figure it out once she got here. But then it got worse. And I panicked. (I really thought that something was going down. Something bad. B.A.D., kinda bad!)

So I called 911. 

I crawled to Dylan's room. Woke him up. Asked him to help me. (Nothing like scaring the crap out of your 12 year old!) He was a rockstar! He got me a bowl, since I was starting to throw up. He kept trying to call John. He went out and flagged down the ambulance. He grabbed my slippers. He was amazing. He was calm. He was helpful. He was so mature and compassionate.

By the time my Mom got here? I was being loaded into the ambulance. I may have possibly taken five years off of her life. Coming around the corner, at 4:00 am, to see an ambulance and fire truck outside of our house, probably wasn't a great moment for her! Mom stayed with my kiddos and off I went.

Once I was able to wake John up, he was in a bloody panic. (Of course.) But I told him to wait it out until we knew what was going on. So my dear friend, Robyn, came and sat with me. And talked me through it. And showed up. Which, like marriage, is 90% of friendship!

Numerous scans, tests, pain-meds (AMEN!) and some poking-and-prodding later? It would appear that I had passed a kidney stone. Blood in my urine combined with my 8+ pain would indicate as much.

Robyn drive me home, where I promptly fell into bed and dozed for a couple of hours. I had arranged for a sitter, thinking that I'd go to a Christmas boutique or maybe a movie. Instead, I paid $10 an hour to mostly sleep. Oh well! It was worth it. All in all, it was a rough night/day, but I am seemingly all better. Worn out, but all better.

Thankful to feel better and to be home! Thankful for the awesome medical care that I received. Thankful for my friends who rise to the occasion . . . every time. Thankful for my Mama. Thankful for my hubby who was too worried to not do anything, so he rallied my friends. Thankful that Dylan was beyond outstanding in a very scary situation. 

Random Acts of Kindness . . .

Day 1 . . . 

So this is our deal this December. We are, as a family, committed to doing one Random Act of Kindness every day until Christmas.

Today, I did something that I very, very rarely do.

I gave cash to someone standing at an intersection, holding a sign, asking for money.

I've always been a big believer in giving money to programs designed to help the homeless, rather than to the homeless themselves.

But today, while I was listening to Christmas music (!!), nearing the end of my commute, I rolled up to the red light as I exited the freeway. And there he was. Inches away from my car window. And I had the cash to give. (How blessed am I?) So I gave it.

And you know what? That man might have walked straight over to the gas station on the corner and bought a 40 oz for breakfast. 

But I am OK with that. It's not for me to judge. It's not for me to decide. 

I asked God for opportunities to present themselves to me this month. 

This was an opportunity.

I also felt led to start a Facebook group to encourage local Acts of Kindness. That has already - in the last 24+ hours - been a huge blessing to me. What an encouragement.

What an opportunity.