No doubt exists . . .

that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.  (W.C. Fields)

But do we make ourselves crazy or is that just how we are made?  Seriously!  I want to know.  I am trying so diligently to limit my crazy-making tendencies, but I swear that I'm more lost with less on my calendar. 

A big part of my current crazy feeling has everything to do with my ongoing medical mystery.  Although I haven't seen it, I have been told that my MRI was indeed negative.  As was my barium (yuck!) swallow study on Monday.  The head of ENT at UC Davis is now the second doctor to wash his hands of me and my odd symptoms.  He is "comfortable" saying that my symptoms are all due to scar tissue from my old surgery in 1996.  He has no explanation as to why my symptoms have worsened dramatically over the last month.  Nor, apparently, does he care to know why.  Door closed.

So although I would love to take his diagnosis and find the peace to sleep well again?  I can't.  It's not because I'm stubborn or fiercely determined to be sick.  It's simply because I know my body and I know that something is going on. 

I feel pressure and sometimes pain in the right side of my neck 24/7 now.  And that is not normal.

Fortunately, I still have some good folks on my side, willing to fight for an answer.  So now I am waiting on a carotid ultrasound, which should be done within the week.  And a referral to an ENT Oncologist - which isn't as scary as it sounds.  And a trial run of taking Singulair, which oddly enough, blocks some mass cell (?) production and may help if this is allergen related.  It's a long-shot, but I can and will do just about anything at this point.

Other craziness?  Work.  But that should come as no surprise!  And just balancing it all.  As much as I would hate working in an office, 40 hours per week, there is that part of me that is still struggling with boundaries.  I crave being able to say, from x until y, I am a Mom.  And from y until z, I am an employee.  Or wife.  Or photographer.  Or whatever.  I know that wouldn't really change if I went to an office every day.  I am just feeling overwhelmed and under-prepared for each day.  And I don't like playing catch-up all the time.

Realistically?  I'm always going to be juggling.  And trying to balance.  And always playing catch-up in one form or another.

The great news in all of that?  I am so blessed to have so much to juggle.

Now, back to the grind.  To the juggling.  The the 20-ring circus that is my blessed life.

Comments

[Stacy]

Hey girl...it's always a juggle act for us moms whether we only work inside the home, outside the home, part time, full time. Every day I am reminded by so many amazing women that we all face the same struggles, we all put too much pressure on ourselves, and in the end, everyone else thinks we are doing an amazing job with our kids, work, husbands, etc...It is only OURSELVES that question that. There is no ONE way to be a perfect wife / mother / employee, but there a million ways to be a GREAT one!

[Amy]

Stace, love having you as my friend. I see a lot of myself in you too. Thanks dfor affirming me :) when I needed it most! (Going to bed with a messy house. Oh well!) Love ya friend!