Blissfully Unaware of the Chaos the Surrounds Me

Dear Month of May . . .

You can officially piss off. I am over you. You and your . . . 

unknown causes of allergic reactions.

anaphylactic shock.

job uncertainty.

medical benefits that suck and apparently go on sabbatical at whim.

finances that can kiss my white butt.

ridiculous schedule of work, school and everything-else-under-the-sun.

numb arms and muscles spasms and neck pain.

strep throat and stomach bugs and food poisoning and acid reflux.

exhaustion.

memorial services.

long days.

short nights.

jr. epi-pens that cost an arm and a leg.

forgotten appointments.

dirty floors.

animals that barf.

weeds that grow. 

lawns that get brown.

weekend getaways that don't get to happen.

broken iPads.

disappointments.

hurt.

heartache.

multiple trips to the pharmacy.

lack of joy.

Yep. You. (May). Can. Piss. Off.

I welcome you, June. You are my new favorite month. Bring it. I need you like I need air! Two more hours and I will breathe deeply. For the first time in a very long time. (31 days, to be precise!)

I am toasting the changing of the month with a lovely champagne cocktail. Strawberries and prosecco. Yes, please and thank you. All wrapped into one (or twenty) delightful bubbly sips of goodness.

Over It . . .

I'm officially over the month of May. I'm ignoring the fact that one more measly day remains.

Sigh. Remind me to put my kids on independent study and go away for the entire month of May next year. It's too much. It may be my actual breaking point. Wimpy of me, I know. AND I know that I complain about it every year. So what can I do differently in  2013? I'm still thinking that a total escape plan is the way to go!

Halle had her last day of preschool today. How is that even possible? Didn't I just have her? How on earth can she be entering Kindergarten in two months?

Dylan only has one more lunch to pack for 7th grade. (Can I get an Amen?) Only 1.5 days left of having a 7th grader. That's almost crazier than Halle going to Kindergarten!

I am supposed to go to Roseville tomorrow. To pick up my replacement iPad. But I can't. I have too much to do. Wouldn't you think, that in this day and age that they could flippin' send it to me? Apparently, they cannot. Don't. Piss. Me. Off. It's still May which means that I'm not stable. Or predictable.

On my agenda for tomorrow? Finishing my packet for work. Finalizing the program for Andy's memorial service and testing all of our A/V stuff for the service. A doctor's appointment to determine what the heck is going on with my shoulder/neck/numbness in my left arm/hand. Refilling all of our prescriptions that are eligible since our insurance coverage ends on Thursday. Oh, did I forget to emtion that little ditty? Just one more bit of May loveliness that was slightly unexpected. Who needs insurance for June and July anyway? (Not us. The family with unknown allergy issues and neck/shoulder spasms and weird viruses and the good-Lord-knows what else.)

Also, after her dandy little stomach virus? Halle has now been running a high fever for the last two afternoons. Like 102 kinda fever. How awesome is that? I'm watching John try to visualize her throat right now. It's not going well. But there my girl is, crying and gagging and telling us that her throat hurts. Sigh.

Did I mention that I was done? I'm really, really (really) done.

Today we met my Dad for an afternoon ice cream treat. He's leaving for two months. He's headed to my sister's (in Sweden) for the summer. Both of my kids are very melancholy. What I would really love to happen? Is for my nephew to come back with him at the end of July. For maybe 10-14 days? Enough time to camp and play and travel and hang? I'm still crossing my fingers that it might actually happen.

Tomorrow I also need to deal with bills and daycare and mowing the front lawn and planning the outdoor movie night we're hosting on Friday and laundry and work and my 20th reunion and ???? I'm determined to get it all done so I can take a breath and start anew on June 1st.

We're getting close, peeps. Very, very close! I may even survive the last day of this damn month! Maybe? Possibly? Please?

Bitchin' and Cryin' . . .

and vomiting. 

Well to be clear, Halle was vomiting and crying (for her Mama), so we headed home first thing this morning. Of course. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with my little while she was so sick. And I was teary and impatient and anxious to get home to her. Kudos to my in-laws, because they were up most of the night with her. Kudos to Dylan who woke up to his sister throwing up all over his bed. 

But if I can be horrifically selfish for one moment? 

All I freakin' wanted was a weekend away. One flippin' weekend.

The 1/2 of the weekend that we did get? Was at a funeral and memorial reception.

And yes, I know that I sound like the biggest bitch in the Western world right now, but seriously? One weekend. Two days. One night.

To top it off? John and I got in an argument on the way home. Why in the heck would we choose to talk about finances on our way home from our interupted weekend away? How dumb are we? (Dumb, apparently.) 

So now I'm pissy. And still a little teary. And I feel cheated. Because now I am home, decontaminating every surface in our home from the vomit-fest that seemingly occurred on every darn surface, and I have house guests. And no food in the fridge. It sucks. And I'm pissy. And sound so spoiled and ridiculous. But I wanted to have a lazy day. And not worry about dinner plans for the family/in-laws. 

Sigh. Rant over. I am over it. I am. Or I will be soon.

Endings . . .

What a way to begin, right?

But it seems as if we’re in a season of endings. Some of those finales are very positive. The end of the school year . . . amen. Then the other endings . . . the loss of Andy . . . the memorial service for John’s uncle . . . those endings are emotional and difficult.

I told Renee the other day that she should take comfort in how many difficult conversations have been held between husbands and wives over the last few weeks. John and I, included. Talks about life insurance, funeral plans, finances, music . . . you name it, we’ve talked about it!

As a small little aside? Get your pictures taken. Individually. Make sure that every few years there is one high-resolution photo of you. Just you. This is after another afternoon of cropping people out of poor-resolution photos and ignoring low-quality warnings from the printer. Sigh. But we have the photos of John’s uncle in-hand. And they will do. Just barely.

John and I are currently headed down to Sacramento for his Uncle’s memorial. The kids are home with my in-laws. After the service/reception back at his Aunt’s home? My husband and I have 24+ hours alone. Alone! It’s a ridiculous case of house-swapping . . . John’s dad and stepmom headed up to the Tahoe cabin. John’s mom and stepdad came to our house. Instead of a hotel? John and I are staying at his dad’s house! The location can’t be beat . . . beautiful pool . . . great views . . . and the price was right, for sure!

We’re going to head to Anthropologie to return my lumpy, bumpy, oddly-fitting dress. We have an appointment at the Apple store, where I am praying they will simply replace my iPad. My poor sad iPad that I dropped on the tile floor. Ouch! We are maybe going to dinner at Tahoe Joe’s, where I have never eaten, but my husband says has some yummy eats. We are probably going to rent a movie. We are going to relax. Tomorrow, we are going to get up whenever we feel like it. Maybe we’ll head out to brunch. IKEA? Time by the pool? A bookstore? Or maybe a couple of open houses? Oh . . .the opportunities are endless! 

(Although a little sad and telling of our age, isn't it? We get 24 hours alone and there is no partying, gambling, concerts, comedy shows, etc . . . nope, we're headed up to stay at Sun City and thrilled as could be about it!)

And with that, we begin with an ending, then get a moment (or 24 hours!) of new beginnings. 

Random Sunday . . .

I worked at church.

On our way to church? Halle fell down and got got some major road rash. I feel guilty because I had just told her to hurry up. Hello, jerk-Mom!

After we went to Pasquini's last night, I got to spend some time my friend Renee and about 20 of her best friends. OMG. Talk about exactly what that amazing girl needed!

John and I got to sneak out and see "What to Expect When You Are Expecting", while Dylan and a friend saw "Battleship".

I felt a little lame that we went to the movies instead of watching the solar eclipse. But I have been dying to just go to the movies with my husband for so long!

There was some yummy eye-candy in that movie. Who knew? Plus, it was actually really cute. And I may have even cried just a tiny bit!

I colored with Halle for so long this weekend that I feel as if I have carpal-tunnel syndrome. Ouch.

See . . . I told you it was random!

Happy Day . . .

I'm sitting in the backyard, with my feet up on the ottoman. There's a light breeze blowing. The sun is out. John is napping. Halle is napping (although she wasn't tired . . . not one it!) Dylan is playing on the xBox.

My car is freshly washed . . . a late Mother's Day gift from my amazing firstborn. I'm drinking a Fresca, out of a mason jar, with frozen fruit for ice. My flowers are blooming. My groundcover is growing. There is evidence of last night's fun with the chalked hopscotch fading on the patio. The side yard is cleaned up, as done by my husband who possibly was still drunk when he got up this morning. He rocked it. (Both the drunkenness and the recovery!) More on the drunkenness later . . . I'm collecting iPhone pics and video clips as they come in. 

Tonight we are driving down to Live Oak to my very favorite eatery, Pasquini's.  (Yes, really. If you've passed them a hundred times on 99 and ever wondered if it was decent? I'm here to tell you that they are beyond decent!) We are meeting up with John's Dad to celebrate his birthday. (Happy birthday, Poppi!)

For the first weekend in months, John doesn't have any homework or school projects or tests. That feels beyond amazing to me! I know it feels even better to him!

I am just soaking in it. Reveling in it, really. Love me some happy, easy Saturday.

A Non-Distracted Life . . .

How do we do this? How, in the midst of the constant realm of electronic (and immediate) media, do we choose to be intentional with our actual lives? Versus the most recently updated Facebook status, Twitter streams and DVR'd latest episodes of the most popular TV shows?

I don't have an answer, but I'm trying to make my way.

I'm realizing the moments that make up our day . . . the days that make up our lives? They are the ones that matter. They create the sum total. 

My sum total? I want . . . no, I need to equal family + friends + community + service + God + faith + good + honorable + generous.

The word problem and final equation of me should be, no must be . . .

AMY = FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

Yes, Facebook and Twitter and my iPhone and my iPad and my iMac and my blog and my DVR and my email and my text messages and my busyness  and my Photoshop. . . they all play a part in that equation.

BUT . . . they don't play the central role.

The central role is relationship. I can't focus on relationship (with my spouse, my children, my friends, my community), if I'm constantly listening for my phone to "ping" or for my email to "ding". Sometimes that Ding or Ping helps create a  bridge to community, children, friends, spouse . . . but a lot of times (most of the time?) it destroys that bridge.

Today I met with a dear friend and talked about the details of the service to honor and remember her husband. The father of her children.

Today I took Halle out to the "big backyard" and pushed her on the swing for 20 minutes.

Today I took Dylan to Target and rode the cart like a scooter and held his hand and skiped through the aisles and talked about STDs. (It's Sex Ed week at school!)

Today I was so proud of Halle as she conquered her fear of the dentist and got X-Rays and fluoride and an exam with minimal tears.

Today I basically decided that the pediatrician could piss off (she determined that allergy testing wasn't important and that we might never know what caused Halle's severe reaction on Monday).

Today I was relived that we already have an appointment with the allergist.

Today I Photoshopped a photo to include with an obituary.

Today I decided that along with annual exams? The doctor should require a simple (yet high resolution)  head shot. Photoshopping the ferry background out of an obituary photo will make you consider such policies!

Today I promised my daughter that I would read her two books a day. No excuses.

Today I cracked up (outloud) at Modern Family.

Today I made plans (via text) to spend a day with Halle's Godmother.

All of these meanderings lead me to what's at the center.

FAMILY + FRIENDS + COMMUNITY + SERVICE + GOD + FAITH + GOOD + HONORABLE + GENEROUS + LOVING

I'm focusing. How can technology help me work towards the center? How can it distract me from my dream? Ironicaly? It all comes back to my "One Word" words . . . BALANCE and WHOLENESS. Bring it.

Although. let's be clear, Balance and Wholeness aside . . . I'm damn good at creating  an obituary photo from a snapshot taken on the ferry. If necessary.

Better . . .

Halle-boo is much, much better. Other than the remaining dark rings under her eyes, she is back to her beautiful self. I, of course, have matching dark rings . . . but mine are from lack of sleep. I was a wee bit worried about her last night! Epinephrine is my new favorite thing. Ever. (Well, not really, but I do really, really appreciate it!)

So sister stayed home with me today. I didn't even try to work. Nope. I called in and said I was taking the day off. I answered maybe three emails all day? The rest are going to be there when I get to work tomorrow. Amazing how it waits for us, yes?

Also amazing is the circle of fabulous Moms in my life. My hairdresser is a mom. She didn't even expect me to call in and cancel after seeing Halle's swollen face on Facebook. We agreed that taking sister into the hair salon and exposing her to all sorts of smells and chemicals and whatnot wasn't the best plan for recovery! So instead, I'll rock my roots for another week or so and just go with is. Hats are always in style!

Since work and hair appointments were out of the way, we made a donut run. We played Barbies. I took some pastries by to Renee's. (Who doesn't enjoy a little Tin Roof baked good when you're going through hell, right?) We went by the preschool to say hi to her friends. We spent some time at my Gram's house. We snuck out to lunch with my Auntie. I went to another principal interview. Halle is watching Chipwrecked. God love the Chipmunks AND the Roku!

(Seriously, people . . . I love the Roku. I know that I bought it for John, but the instant gratification factor of downloading movies is pretty darn fabulous. And yes, I realize you don't need a Roku to do this, BUT Amazon Prime + the Roku= a lot of free/cheap movies.)

Dylan is running for student council again. He got his posters done and put them up today. What a cutie! He even let me take a quick picture to put on his fliers, since we didn't have any good photos without his braces. I'd vote for him! 

And with that, John and I are sitting on the patio. I'm blogging. He's grading papers. The dog is at my feet. The kids are content. Ahhhhh. I have a weird little feeling that I'm supposed to be somewhere, but I'm not even going to look at Cozi. Nope. I am totally pushing the "ignore" button tonight.

I think we all deserve it! 

One little aside? Since we had to cancel our book club last night, we missed our Skype session with Kelle Hampton. AND I forgot to email her to tell her. So heck if my phone doesn't ring last night and it's her! I was a little smitten. She was very sweet and totally forgiving. So we get to reschedule another time. That could be tough over the next few weeks, but by golly, we're going to try! If you haven't read it yet? Go buy Bloom. In hardcover. Caress it. Gaze upon the awesome pictures. Curl up and read her honest journey. Trust me, before you're even a couple of chapters in? You'll be smitten too!

Stick a Fork in Me . . .

I'm done. Done, people. Done with a capitol D!

Dylan went back to school this morning. (Amen.) After sleeping through his alarm. 

Halle also went to school this morning. 

I went to work this morning. After sending Halle off to school with John. After dropping off my car at the dealership for service. (And after successfully negotiating a deal to quasi-make-up-for the bad info we received about our Acadia's tow capacity when we bought it. I.E., we were told twice, both times quite clearly, that it had a tow capacity of 4,500 pounds. Sadly, Stella, as I have named her, can only tow 2,000 pounds. Which is much less than our tent trailer.) 

This was John's first Monday with no clinical hours. Amen. Thankfully. And oh, dear, God; we barely made it through this last semester! This was really the highlight of my day. My week! We even ate lunch together!

I worked today. John ran errands. The children do whatever it is that they do at school. ;-)

At 2:40, John dropped me off at Dylan's school to interview one of our principal candidates. At 2:49 I missed a call from Halle's school. At 2:50, I excused myself and listened to the message which stated, "Hi Amy. This isn't an emergency, but please call me ASAP." I tried to call the school and couldn't get through. I then got a second message that said, "Halle seems to be having a reaction of some kind, she has facial swelling, but she's fine. She's not having any difficulty breathing. Please call us, ASAP." Again, I couldn't through to the school. I called John and told him to just go get her. That she was having a reaction of some kid and having facial swelling.

His first statement? "They need to call 911." I told him to try and call and tell them that because I couldn't reach them.

I was sure he was over-reacting. In an experienced ER nurse kinda way. I went back into the interview. And apologized for how distracted I was. I called the school again and they told me that John was there and all was fine. I finished the interview. I completed the evaluation form. I went and collected Dylan from the office. And then we went out to find John. Who was coming to pick us up. When I couldn't find him? I called. I assumed he would say he was in the parking lot or on the other street.

Nope. He was at an emergent care clinic with Halle. And they were injecting her with epinephrine.

So help me, my heart stopped.

I stumbled around for a minute, then found us a ride to the clinic. (Thank you, Margaret!)

When we got there, made our way to the back and opened the door? I gasped. I caught my breath. I choked on a sob. The swollen little face that was looking at me? Was almost unrecognizable. And John's first words were, "you should have seen her before the epi-pen".

Sigh. I just trudged through a 13 day battle with a horrific virus/strep for Dylan. I was gearing up, not for anything amazing, but just to catch up. Catch. Up.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to get my hair done. As petty as it seems? It's kind of important. To my self esteem. To the idea that folks will look at my beautiful hair color versus my need for a tummy-tuck. And lipo. And, well . . . a breast-lift, if anyone is counting. 

So tomorrow? I will get my hairs did. With Halle by my side. Probably watching the Fresh Beat Band on my iPad. After a night of waking every hour or more often to check for facial edema (or swelling, for us laymen) and respiratory distress.

Really, who needs a decent night's sleep, anyway?

This is my girl AFTER the epinephrine. I'm pretty sure it was a good thing (or a God thing) that I didn't see her before. 

Perspective . . .

I had a long post typed out about Mother's Day. Typepad ate it. So here's the short and sweet version:

Hold your family and dear ones close. Hold them tight. Tell them I'm sorry and I love you and I treasure you and you matter. 

I'm feeling really blessed right now. At the same time, I am so very sad for our dear friends. Andy is barely hanging on. He told Renee last night that he was going to go soon. The boys and Renee and his dear parents said their goodbyes. I am so incredibly sad for them. I am struggling to reconcile the loss of such a young man. A husband. A dad. A teacher. A son. A friend. I am just sad. These songs are on an almost constant loop on my iPhone:

And with that . . . go hug your loved ones. Say a little prayer of thanks. And please, if you don't mind, remember my friends in your prayers. Andy, Renee, Matthew and Ian. Martha and Pop (Andy's parents).